The question of how to talk to girls looks so easy initially. You’re at a club, a party, or a conference. So many guys go up to girls, start a conversation, and soon proceed to talk, laugh, maybe dance to a band playing, and smile a lot at each other. All you need is to do the same!
But what’s that? Why do you stand as if you have marshmallows in your mouth, unable to walk up to any of the cute girls you see and talk to them? What’s wrong with you, you ask?
Actually, nothing serious, we answer. The problem is you just aren’t good at making friendly conversation with strangers, especially when it comes to an attractive woman. It can be because you fear rejection, haven’t had much personal experience in making conversation with a girl you don’t know at all, or are a natural introvert.
For whatever reason, you just feel nervous trying to chit-chat with a girl you don’t know. The good news? You aren’t alone. The other good news? You can fix this. And here are the best strategies and tips for doing just that.
4 Slight Physical Changes That Make Things Better
There’s a recent TV commercial where a guy and a girl meet on a date for the first time. He says, “You look amazing.” She says, “You look amazingly comfortable.” He has shown up in a T-shirt that has a stretched-out neckline, and it does look bad. While this ad is for some type of laundry additive, it makes an important point. Good grooming is critical.
Never go anywhere where you are bound to see girls while looking unkempt. What’s more? You just don’t feel as good about yourself as you should when you’re not groomed. And also, you need to work a bit on your body language. Here are some things you can do.
Related reading: Is He a Body Language Guy? How to Read The Subtle Signs
1. Check Your Posture
Look at yourself in a mirror from the side in a relaxed state:
- What’s your posture like?
- Are your shoulders a bit rounded?
- Is your chin up and holding your head high?
You just don’t look confident and “in charge” without good posture. If you’ve been slacking, it may take some time to change your habits. Whether sitting or standing, focus on throwing those shoulders back, standing up straight, and getting that chin up.
2. Watch Out How You Walk
People who are timid or shy or feel awkward in social situations tend to walk timidly too.
If this is you when you come into the presence of girls, change that too. Again, this will take some practice, but a strong assertive walk exudes confidence, and will tell a girl that you are sure of yourself. It’s an important thing.
3. Eye Contact Can Say a Lot
If you are a bit shy in the presence of girls, it is likely that you will avoid making direct contact. This is a body language that can say many things.
If you avoid direct eye contact, she may think you are not interested. But if you look directly at her, even across the room, and keep that gaze until her eyes meet yours, you have sent a completely different signal. And if she’s interested, she’ll return that gaze and probably smile (you must smile too then).
Related reading: The Art of Body Language: How to Guess What Your Dater Is Thinking
4. Check Your Voice Tone
There’s a really interesting study from the University College London related to voice tone and attractiveness. If you want a girl to find you attractive, have a lower voice tone with some breathiness. Otherwise, you can come across as aggressive, and that could be a turn-off.
Check your voice tone and maybe lower it a few decibels when you begin conversations with girls.
4 Tips on Making Conversation with Girls
Once you’re ready to start, you need a proper introduction. Among all, you need a good conversation starter to get things rolling. When everything goes well, let this girl to keep talking. The ultimate goal? To make arrangements to talk again – perhaps by phone or during a next meetup.
So, let’s go down this path, from introduction to the end goal of continuing a connection. You can do it, even without a dating coach!
1. Making the Introduction – Pickup Lines?
Assuming that you are not going to be introduced by mutual friends, it will be up to you to make an introduction to the girl. Some guys have a favorite pickup line or two that you use with ease and that may work. If you decide to explore using these, just make sure they are not “cheesy,” or overused. Come up with one that is short, simple, and funny to get a laugh and break the ice.
The key to a pickup line that works is all in the delivery. You have to exude confidence and casualness at the same time.
If you use a pickup line, you better practice it beforehand so it rolls off of your tongue naturally. There are a few that may bring a laugh. “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?” or “Am I cute enough, or do you need another drink?” If you say them with confidence, a smile, and maybe a tilted head, you will probably get a laugh, and the ice will be broken. Here’s a list of 22 best pickup lines you can review.
If you are uncomfortable with pickup lines, you can use the direct approach and just walk up to the girl and introduce yourself like you would with any person. It may be a bit on the boring side, but if you follow it with a good conversation starter, you’ll be fine. And don’t forget this important thing. When you respond with her name, find a way to repeat it. Most girls (actually most people) like having their name stated – it’s a psychological thing.
Related reading: How to Flirt With a Girl – And Get a Date!
2. Pay Her a Unique Compliment
You will not win a girl over with a common, trite compliment (You are beautiful; I love your smile). How is that supposed to make her feel special? Before you ever approach a girl you like, think of something unique and specific to compliment her on. It can be her outfit, her earrings, her hairstyle, her eyes, etc. – just something unique to her at that moment.
Saying “You look great in that outfit” is perfectly fine and individualized.
Don’t get too physical at this early juncture. It would be okay to make a general compliment – “You look really fit – what’s your workout routine?” But avoid a statement like, “Your legs are so sexy.” It’s way too early – save that for after you have made an emotional connection and at least have a date or several conversations (i.e., phone).
And here’s the other thing about compliments. You may begin by complimenting what she’s wearing or a piece of jewelry. These all relate to her physical appearance. As you get into more conversation, you can ask questions (next section) that will be more open-ended. Then you can compliment her on her answer – something like, “I like the way you think,” or “I can tell you have thought about this.” Women like to be more than just a pretty girl to a man.
3. Conversation Starters
You have her attention – now what? You need to have some conversation starters that will get her talking. The best way to do that? Start asking questions and be a good listener. Keep that eye contact as she answers so your body language shows interest. Have a repertoire of questions in your pocket that are open-ended enough that, if she is interested, will get her talking.
Try to come up with some questions that are a bit more unique and require more than a one-word answer. Consider these phrases to interest the girl you like:
- “If you could change one thing about your day today, what would it be?”
- “What motivates you to get up in the morning?”
- “Tell me the top three things on your bucket list.”
- “If you could choose a superpower, what would it be?”
These are the types of questions that move conversations forward. Try them out and keep those that work best for you.
A potentially touchy subject may be a surefire way to turn her off pretty quickly. These would be questions related to religion, politics, certainly sex, and even family – big mistake.
The only exception might be if some of these topics would be deal breakers for you. If, for example, you would not consider a relationship with anyone who does not share your political beliefs, then you probably want to explore those early on. No point in wasting your time and/or money on someone you will never have a true connection with.
4. You’ve Connected with a Girl You Like – Now What?
Congratulations! You’ve been able to make an initial connection. She’s talking a lot, you’ve started talking a lot, and you are sharing some information about one another. Ultimately, you exchange phone numbers and agree to at least keep talking to each other, if not setting up a date just yet.
We are now into that stage where you will talk more intimately about your life, your history, your jobs/careers, etc. And you need to remain a good conversationalist, especially if you want to talk to a girl in a way that establishes an emotional connection. And here are some recommendations for you.
Phone Conversations and Texts
Long phone calls can get deep and serious. Choose a time when both of you are not distracted by other things. These can be used to explore each other’s passions and interests, and maybe share a great story or two about your lives. Again, be armed with some questions that will get her talking more about herself.
As a general rule, text messages should be short and simple but still indicate you want a relationship. It’s not time to talk at a deeper level. Send a short, good morning text. “Hey, sexy. I hope you have a great day.” No need to say more. This girl you like knows you are thinking about her – enough said.
The Dates
“These things to talk about are great to start off with because most girls have something to say about them. When you’ve started talking you can go deeper and develop the conversation more from there.”
Viktor Sander, dating coach
When you arrange the first date with the girl you like, choose the place to get to know her even better. If you’ve asked her about her favorite movies, decide to see one of them together. If you now know her favorite food, meet up at one of her favorite restaurants. In short, use this as the real-life dating stage with this girl you like. Enjoy the time to talk more!
If you feel pressured to come up with things to talk about, here are some general thoughts:
- Be friendly and casual – choose casual topics for conversations
- Express interest in what she has to say
- Exhibit “open” body language so she feels comfortable – eye contact, arms and legs unfolded, leaning forward, etc.
- Don’t try to please – just be your genuine self
- Maintain eye contact as you talk and listen
Feel free to talk about deep things like aspirations in life and dreams or having a light conversation joking and having a fun experience. The key is to enjoy your first date so you get a second one!
Related reading: Out with the Cliché Second Date Ideas
3 Tips as Your Relationship Moves Forward
As you continue to have conversations and are in the early dating stages, her world will continue to be opened up to you. And yours will to her too.
You will able to dig deeper into her values, beliefs, and principles to see if there is compatibility. But one cardinal rule should apply here. If she is uncomfortable talking about something in her life story, do not press her to do so.
Likewise, if you are uncomfortable with a topic do not feel pressured to talk about it. There are probably things in your world and hers that you don’t want to disclose during this stage. If you sense discomfort, change the subject.
1. Match Her Investment
At the early stage, not to appear overwhelming to the girl you like, it’s a good idea engage with her about the same amount as she engages with you.
For example, if she sends you two texts during the day, match that but do not exceed that unless it’s for something important. The same goes for phone calls.
One exception might be social media. If, for example, she posts a lot on her accounts, you should feel free to “like” or comment.
2. Rules for Regular Texting and Calling
Don’t be too forward if you are texting and calling on a regular basis. Having a few dates does not mean that you can assume the girl you like is ready for the level of intimacy that you may want right now.
Also, this is not the time to talk to a girl about sending you suggestive photos or asking her how she feels about watching porn with you. Be as non-creepy as possible at this point. Do this instead:
- Keep it positive: A great conversation with a girl you like means that you ask questions, let her do lots of the talking, and show that you are really listening. Ask her to talk about her day; express empathy for her challenges at work or with friends and family. And when she asks you the same, be genuine and honest, but, if you’ve had a terrible day, don’t go on and on about it. It drags your talk into too much negativity.
- Show continued interest with some visuals: Maybe you saw a meme that reminded you of something she said. Send it to her with, “I thought of you when I saw this.” If she has mentioned a song she loves, send her a video of the artist singing it with, “I pulled this up today, and it really is a great song.” What does this do? It tells her that you have listened to even the small things she has told you and that you remember these details.
- Maintain a bit of suspense: When you talk to a girl, too much attention and compliment-giving wil let her believe you are in the palm of her hand. And if you comply like a little puppy, she may ultimately lose interest in you – you’re just too “easy.” Keep her in suspense just a bit. If you miss a call, don’t always call back immediately. When she texts, you don’t always have to respond immediately.
You want her to see you as a great guy and a great catch, not a pushover. At the same time, you want to leave the door open because you really are interested. Consider a lesson learned in advance, so you don’t have to suffer learning it by her losing interest in you.
3. Choose Dates and Dating Environments That Lend to Conversation
When you just want to have a good time at a club or concert, or if you decide on a movie, you will not be choosing an environment that will allow lots of talk. But there are other forms of dates that will let you talk to a girl more intimately. A quiet dinner, walks in the park, etc. lend themselves to deeper conversations.
And if you do go to a large and loud venue, you can always go for a drink or coffee afterward to a much quieter place – a place much better to talk to a girl.
As you continue to date, you will obviously learn much more about this girl, especially if you have enough in common on important matters that would make her an ideal girl for a longer-term relationship. And, of course, by this time, you are no longer nervous.
Dig into deeper topics. Let her know you are genuinely interested in everything about her, not just her looks or the sex you may have.
And there’s another big plus here, even if the relationship doesn’t work out. Most guys take failure as experience and learn how to talk to girls in the future.
5 No-Nos When You Talk to a Girl
When you start talking to a girl and going beyond that to getting a girl’s number, to moving a relationship forward, there are some things that every dating coach will tell you should be avoided. In general, being “too much” of anything will turn most women off.
If you try to be too cool, too nice, too cocky, too cold, amazingly smart, you will not come off as genuine at all. Women don’t want to experience this from a man. They want them to be who they are in real life. So take a deep breath and start the small talk by focusing on her, not you.
1. Proving Your Worthiness
If you usually have trouble talking to women, you are likely trying to figure out how you can prove you are worthy of their paying attention to you. This will make you act foolishly in the moment and come across as a bit weird. Instead, think of it this way. Is she worthy of you? When you approach her, stop worrying if the girl likes you and start worrying about if you like her. This mindset puts you in the driver’s seat and makes you appear more confident.
2. Being the Alpha Male
You’re pretending to be someone you aren’t in real life, and that will never end well. Women would prefer to have a casual conversation with a man who is not putting on like he is the whole “world” to a deserving woman. You can’t pull this off, so don’t even try. You’ll never get her true love this way.
Related reading: 11 Traits You Should Have to Attract an Alpha Male
3. Faking Being Funny When It’s Not Natural
Some guys just have a gift for funny one-liners that just roll off their tongues. That’s not you, so don’t try it. Focus on a great one-line pickup and then just a good and casual conversation from then on. Women appreciate genuine guys and will spot a “fake” pretty quickly.
4. Trying to Make Your Life More Interesting
If you exaggerate things about yourself – job, travel, education, achievements – don’t plan on a long-term relationship. The truth will eventually come out, and women see you as untrustworthy. Focus on being interesting just as you are.
Related reading: Think You’ve Met a Female Narcissist? Follow the Clues
5. Coming on Too Strong and Too Soon in the Love and Sex Department
When she’s ready, you’ll know it. Until then, don’t push it. It’s fine to send flirty texts but listen and really hear how she is responding to them. Focus on deep conversation instead – your connection will be stronger in the long run. No matter how strong you think your feelings are, and no matter how much you’d like to get her into bed, wait until she’s given you some signals.
Some Extra Work Ahead of You
If you know you have trouble talking to girls, you can overcome the challenges by following through on these strategies. If you continue to struggle, get help from a dating coach – they are all over the web. And here’s one final tip. Do you have a female in your life who is a very close friend? Practice conversation with her and get genuine feedback. Most girls dream about a guy they can really talk with. Be that guy.
