I’ve always been inspired by women who are outgoing, very sure of themselves, and not afraid to be who they were, including their sex lives. Under their tutelage, I gradually shed my old self, hung out and socialized with them, and, over time, became the empowered, self-confident, and sexual woman I am today. Happy to share my insights with other women today!
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13 Relationship Myths: Your Checklist
43% of first marriages in the US end in divorce. For 2nd and 3rd marriages, the rate is 60 and 73% respectively. How does that happen? Are we living with some relationship myths in our heads that prevent us from keeping the love we’ve once found? Are we even capable of having a great relationship—or are we bound to see any committed relationship we have turn to failure or just be engaged in a bad relationship circle?
Let’s dig into the common misconceptions that people hold in the early days or as they move further into a relationship and experience problems.
Relationship myths are a widely held but false beliefs about relationships.
Myth #1. Love Is All You Need
This is one of the most common myths about relationships, meaning that as long as potential partners are in love, little planning is needed to turn that into successful long-term relationships. In other words, true love can conquer all.
In fact, relationships take work too. And putting all the responsibility on your mutual feelings is a limiting belief. Love can help you build a good relationship together, but it’s not the only aspect in good relationships in general.
Myth #2. Relationships Should Be 50/50
“The strongest most enduring relationships take lots of hard work. It’s like a beautiful thing but you wouldn’t expect it to thrive without a whole lot of labor and TLC.” According to Blum, our culture just doesn’t prepare us for the effort involved in healthy relationships.
Lisa Blum, Psy.D. clinical psychologist
When people expect that each partner will share equally in all things, no matter what other circumstances arise, relationships will suffer. There will be no way to avoid conflict, and a stable relationship will be in jeopardy.
Consider this: One partner has a major long-term project at work that will require long hours for a period of time. Or one partner goes back to school. There are all kinds of scenarios in which one partner will be assuming more than the other, whether it’s household chores, emotional support, parental responsibilities with kids, etc.
Relationships will never be 50/50—life just doesn’t work that way.
If these expectations and boundaries are not addressed, resentments boil up, there will be “tit for tat” arguments about who is doing more, hurt feelings, conflict, and partners even go to bed angry. The fairy tale is over.
Related reading: Expectations in a Relationship: What’s Reasonable vs Unrealistic?
Myth #3. Partners Know Their Others’ Needs and Feelings
Here’s one of the common myths that really shouldn’t be. Many couples go into relationships believing that their partners should understand their needs and feelings without them having to express them. And when those needs are not met and those feelings are not honored, they develop resentment and even anger.
The reality is no person is a mind reader. Partners have to engage in open communication about these things for there to be a great relationship that will stand the test of time.
When one partner is stressed over school or work, they want to be left alone. The other partner sees that something is bothering them and, in an effort to be supportive, keeps talking to them, asking what is wrong and how can they help. This is why communication is so important in a relationship.
Myth #4. Once We’re Married, They’ll Change
There may be some red flags that each partner sees during their dating relationship that cannot change with marriage:
- Controlling behavior
- Lack of communication skills
- Different life goals
Sometimes when a person meets someone through dating apps, there may not be full disclosure of goals, values, and such before a real-life relationship begins. And people tend to put their best feet forward on dating apps, possibly exaggerating or “tweaking” their true personas.
To ignore these things, thus avoiding conflict, and believing that a partner will have a new perspective once they are “settled in” is a dangerous myth to hold to. Once the honeymoon period is over, and real life takes hold, those issues will raise their ugly little heads, and conflict is inevitable.
Long-term relationships will not survive substantial differences in life goals and values. A person doesn’t change who they really are deep down.
Related reading: 7 Signs You Should Not Marry Him, Explained
Myth #5. True Love Means the Passion Never Dies
“Passionate sex is a byproduct of sustained emotional intimacy along with a continuing sense of adventure and exploration and sense of playfulness.”
Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, also know as “The Love Doctor”
Life has a way of getting in the way of a fairy tale relationship. Because of the barrage of romcoms in film and on TV, along with lots of romance literature, we are conditioned to believe that the passion in an early relationship should just go on ad infinitum. And if the fluttery hearts are no longer fluttery, then the relationship is in serious trouble and maybe ending it is the best thing.
How to increase passion in your relationship:
- Get nostalgic: Talk about when your romance was new. Where did you meet? What was your favorite dating place? Look at photos of yourselves and talk about how your lives were when your love was new and you had such hope for your future. This will stir up emotions that you forgot you had. Create some time to do this every so often.
- Make a list of the things you have done for each other: Spend some time expressing affection for those things. Create a bucket list with the things you would like to do together or with close friends you have known since you first met.
- Listen to the songs that were meaningful to you when your love was young: Sing together or dance to them. The point is to go back to the lives you had then.
- Focus on improving your skills in heartfelt conversation: Work on speaking from the heart about your feelings and become a focused listener when the other is talking.
- Have solid communication about romantic gestures: Everyone expresses love differently, and every person has an expectation of how they want to be loved. If partners have not already done so, they need to research love languages. Here’s a video that they should make an effort to watch together.
What to do if passion has almost died
Grand gestures are not necessary. But learning to express love to a partner in their love language will make for a happy relationship and can very well rekindle a romantic relationship:
- Schedule date nights: Couples had dates when their relationships were new. Their everyday lives have just gotten in the way. If they spend time having fun and getting out, even with friends, they can rekindle those early days and the romantic feelings they had then.
- Express gratitude: This should be more than a simple “thank you.” What are you thankful for, and how do you happen to express it? How about a surprise text message while you are at work or school? Make a point of doing this randomly.
- Get physical: Make a point of hugging, kissing, and cuddling more often. Not only is it healthy, but it increases those feel-good hormones in the brain which in turn can lead to more affection and even sex (although it doesn’t have to).
- Create new experiences together: When your love was new, you were probably always up for the idea of doing something new and different. Once the reality of life set in, those ideas were pushed on the back burner. Rekindle things by trying new things together again. Redecorate your space; take a cooking class; go on a mini vacation. These things matter because they bring you closer together.
Related reading: Putting Pizzazz Into Your Relationship: 13 Easy Tricks
Myth #6. Having a Child Will Enhance a Relationship
Here’s the reality: having a child can be an amazing thing and give both parents a sense of joy. But the flip side of this is there will be complications. A child means parents will spend lots of time caring for this new addition to their life. There will be far less time for romance, sex, and alone time together.
Before couples jump into parenthood, there needs to be lots of communication about the changes that are coming and how they will maintain a healthy and happy relationship between themselves. And if one partner has to bear more of the childcare responsibility, that person may become resentful.
Myth #7. Couples Therapy Means a Relationship Is Over
The therapy myth is ridiculous, yet common. Instead of seeing it as a method for couples to get their relationship back on track with some solid relationship advice from a professional, many (especially friends and other outsiders) see it as the beginning of the end for a couple.
Despite the complete debunking of the “stigma” surrounding a person getting professional, this myth continues. But in times of crisis, talking to a therapist really helps to understand what’s going on with the romance, what’s the difference between the right effort and sticking to the myths about relationships, and it can even save your marriage.
Myth #8. More Jealousy = More Love
Actually, while a little bit of jealousy once in a while or while dating can be a good thing, lots of it is a sign of insecurity and lack of confidence, not love.
In a healthy relationship, both men and women should feel confident in their romantic relationships. If not, things will be rocky. The partner who has jealousy issues will not get over them until they work on confidence and self-esteem. The other partner cannot fix that with assurances.
Women and men usually react differently when they are jealous. Men tend to become angry; women tend to become anxious and stressed.
Another note here: Trying to make a partner jealous can sometimes backfire. It’s a bit immature, and a self-confident partner may just decide the relationship is not worth it.
Related reading: What Is Retroactive Jealousy and How to Overcome It
Myth #9. Arguments and Fights Will Ruin a Relationship
This myth comes from the notion that in a happy relationship, couples don’t argue or fight. In fact, in a good relationship, there are bound to be disagreements because each partner feels comfortable expressing their displeasure or frustration.
Two people cannot live together and avoid conflict. It’s how they manage that conflict in a marriage or partnership that counts. If the marriage is healthy, they address their issues through communication and come to compromises that meet the needs of both.
In a moment of extreme emotion, partners in a healthy relationship may even yell and scream at one another. But if the base of the relationship or marriage is strong, these moments pass.
When fights result in nasty name-calling, or become either scornful or condescending, and they result in couples not speaking to one another for days, and when there is no resolution of the issues, a relationship is damaged.
Myth #10. When Sex Slows Down, So Does the Relationship
There have been lots of research and surveys about the importance of sex in a partnership or marriage. Brook, a non-profit British organization that focuses on female health, conducted a survey about what people considered most important for a healthy relationship. Guess what?
Respondents listed things like laughing and having fun together, sharing some common interests, having similar values, being best friends, and feeling supported and listened to. Sex was not among the top ten on their lists.
Of course, sex plays an important role in any romantic relationship, and sex determines a level of intimacy between couples. But it should also be noted that many very-much-in-love couples have very little sex. In short, sex takes a back seat to a lot of other factors in solid relationships.
Myth #11. Couples With Strong Relationships Should Be Happy All the Time
Here’s a myth that everyone in a strong relationship will be very clear about the lack of truth here. No two people can live together and share their highs and lows, their challenges (individual and shared), and struggles and state they are blissfully happy. Even people in dating relationships can’t say this.
Both women and men face lows in their lives that spill into their relationship lives. One of them loses a job, for example, and they are both thrown into some financial hardship. Are they happy about this? Of course not. One of them strays but regrets what they have done and asks for forgiveness. Is the wronged spouse happy about this? Of course not. But if the relationship is strong, the truth is that the two will work through adversity together.
Bliss is one of the most common myths portrayed in relationships on the screen and in literature.
Myth #12. Happy Couples Do Everything Together
Think about this for a minute. You have a favorite food. Now suppose you ate that favorite food every day for a year. Would you get tired of it? Of course, you would. The same thing can happen in a relationship.
When relationships are new, couples want to spend every moment together. Nothing is more essential than this new love, not even family and friends. This is the infatuation stage of relationships.
But over time, that infatuation stage subsides, and each partner begins to think about other things and people they enjoyed before they met each other. The moment of truth has arrived. Both find that they need their own space apart from the other. This, in fact, is healthy and allows each one to have essential independence and autonomy.
“… no matter how many things they have in common, each member of the couple is a different person and has their own history, their own character, their nuances regarding interests, values, aspirations, and, logically, a family of origin with its particular functioning and reality. In short, given the variation among people, it is impossible to find coincidence in everything, and it probably would not be desirable either”.
Jorge Barraca Mairal, Ph.D., psychologist, author, and professor
Myth #13. Constructive Criticism Is Good for a Relationship
This is a myth that is not as predominant as many of the others listed here. Suppose one person is a bit OCD and a perfectionist, and the other is more relaxed about things. The perfectionist may feel compelled to be too honest about the faults of the other. After a while, this “constructive criticism” wears a person down, and they can come to be resentful and more distant.
This can stall the essential growth couples need to nurture their relationship over time. And if the recipient continues to stew over this constant “honesty,” the result can be arguments and fights that don’t get resolved.
Have You Recognized Yourself in One of These Relationship Myths?
There might be a few that you have believed as true. So, take a harder look at each myth you hold, do some self-analysis, and come to an understanding of why it is a myth and what is really the truth. If you do this, you are likely to enter a relationship with a far more realistic picture of what a healthy and solid relationship looks like.
If you are in a relationship and it seems you are feeling more and more unhappy, it may be because of a myth or two you held going into it. In this case, it’s time for some straight talk with your partner, possibly see a relationship therapist, and see how much both of you are willing to make the changes you need to grow your relationship the right way.
Cherie Hamilton
