The minute he asks you to marry him, you know you’d surely run to say yes. What can be better than a beautiful engagement ring, a wedding ceremony, and a happily after living together? Love is in the air, and things like 7 signs you should not marry him sound boring.
That’s not for you. He’s different, your love is different! Life is perfect! You have a serious relationship! You don’t need that, you don’t need anything – only your other half by your side!
Hold on, please. We are here for your happiness, and if you feel he’s the one, who are we to say he’s not? But somehow, you’ve landed on this page… So you have some doubt hidden deep inside, ha? Or just want to double-check your decision with some valid arguments.
Whatever your reasons are, it’s a good step to check if he’s your other half for real. For the sake of your future, among all. The more you know today, the less chance you’ll face a divorce, with all its suffering, pain, and other losses. And you want that chance to be zero, right? Let’s go then!
7 Signs You Should Not Marry Him
The most important reason you should know these warning signs is that they directly relate to the reasons for divorce. So, let’s check if you can handle these 7 things and prevent the roots of future misunderstandings rather than deal with the catastrophe in real-time.
The most common mistake people make when they are so in love is to ignore or make excuses for the wrong behavior of their partners. Even when friends and family warn you, you want to keep your partner happy and tell yourself that these behaviors will change once you are finally married and settled in.
If we had to write an article for one and only reason couples break up, that would be unrealistic expectations. When in love, we create an illusionary picture of reality and a non-existent image of our Prince Charming instead of a real person. But the truth is that our behavior inevitably worsens in a marriage after we try our best to look good in a serious relationship. So remember: you cannot wave a magic wand, make his wrong behaviors right, and turn things into a great relationship by wishing it so. Even he cannot change it by wishing so – it’s hard, self-motivated work that comes from within.
If you don’t feel good about things now, no ring and license will change that. And it’s your job to make a reality check. We are here to help you spot those areas right.
1. Unmatching Financial Behaviors and Goals
Financial difficulties are one of the top 10 reasons for divorce. For example, you may be a person with a responsible attitude towards money:
- Develop a budget and stick with it.
- Set aside money in savings and investments, looking toward future goals – a house, a comfortable retirement, and maybe some big trips along the way.
- Live within your means and use credit very sparingly.
Your soon-to-be-husband may have an entirely different outlook on money:
- He loves to spend, and most of his paycheck goes toward things he wants – clothes, shoes, new tech, etc.
- He rarely has much left over because he prefers to enjoy his money now rather than save for the future.
- He uses credit a lot and has a couple of bank cards with high balances.
This is not one of those little things that can be overlooked. You need to have a serious talk with your “better half” and make some decisions before that marriage about how you will compromise on these differences.
If that’s your case, you should come up with the solutions to your two different financial behaviors in a marriage:
- Have separate checking accounts and one joint account for household expenses to which you both contribute
- Keep your savings separate
You and your partner cannot have a healthy marriage if there is frequent conflict over finances. This kind of communication must happen in advance and be agreed upon by your partner.
2. Trust Issues
If your partner has cheated on you in the past or has been untruthful, you have one of the big warning signs staring you in the face. Red flags like these cannot be ignored. What makes you think that things will change once you marry?
Now, if this dishonesty occurred much earlier in your relationship and he has been a “straight shooter” for quite a while, you may feel more comfortable. But if not, just imagine yourself married and always wondering where he is, what he is doing, and if he is being honest in all ways. You may find yourself checking his phone, the mileage on his car, and more. So much snooping is exhausting and will eventually lead to lots of conflict.
You’ll never be completely at peace with him, and if cheating or other acts of dishonesty continue to occur, you are headed for divorce court.
Related reading: Forgiving a Cheater – Can You Do It?
3. Mismatch in Key Values
The deep conflict in values is one of the biggest signs you shouldn’t marry him, and it may have different manifestations:
- Your family is a big part of your life, and your partner does not see value in such closeness.
- Your faith is important, and your partner is of a different faith that is just as important to him.
- You want a home and children, and your partner would rather live in an apartment in the city with no children so you both will be free of those responsibilities.
- You have high moral standards, and your partner believes your standards are too high.
- You believe in treating all people with respect, no matter what their station in life. But your partner shows that he does not share this – he treats a person he believes is “beneath” him with a lack of respect.
If you found yourself in one of those examples, you and your partner are obviously not on the same page on some critical components of your life priorities and standards. Your values are a natural part of who you are. And his are a natural part of who he is. Your relationship will not last, nor will your marriage.
Related reading: Making a Relationship Official? A Checklist Before You Do
4. Controlling/Abusive Behaviors
When one partner has a need to control the other, it’s a bad sign. It usually begins slowly once a couple starts to get serious. And sometimes, there’s a good chance that the controlling person is a narcissist.
Over time, that partner begins to put pressure on the other partner to do things his way, to dress as he wants them to dress, to eat the foods they like. These do seem like big things at first, but the behavior escalates as the relationship moves forward.
The controlling behavior can result in attempts to:
- Isolate you from your friends and family
- Keep you from having the social life you had before
- Ultimately be completely in charge of all that you do.
If they get away with this, you are sacrificing who you are, as you feel forced to comply to make your partner happy. And if you rebel against the demands, your partner may become emotionally and/or physically abusive.
Usually this situation comes about because a person marries a person before they have had time to get to really know them, and they are putting on a good lie at first. Marrying him will be a huge mistake, and, if you stay in that marriage, your future is bleak. Your independence is gone; your friends and family worry about who you have become, and you feel forced to pretend that all is well.
The final word? Do not marry anyone who doesn’t absolutely inspire you to be all that you want to be as a person. You’ll see the signs – minor disapproval at first.
Related reading: Recognizing and Dealing With Narcissists in Relationships
5. Communication Troubles
Lack of good communication is another one of those top reasons for divorce. Here are the signs that your man is a poor communicator, according to Stephan Speaks:
- He doesn’t seem to really listen to you when you are expressing your thoughts or feelings.
- He interrupts you when you are talking about something important. If it relates to your relationship, this behavior is often a part of “denial” that there are any problems or a lack of respect for your opinions.
- When you ask important questions, perhaps about a big decision you need to make, he gives flippant answers – “I don’t care. Do what you want.”
- He doesn’t listen when you tell him about a bad day at your job. “It will be fine. Let’s go get some takeout for dinner.” This shows a lack of empathy on the part of this person.
- He becomes defensive when you question his behavior or want to talk about a problem you have in your relationship. It’s not his problem and you need to get over it.
This is not the person who will be your better half in life. Once you are married, the same lack of communication will continue, and it may very well be about some far more significant things in life than a bad day at work.
If you really want your relationship to work and to end in a good marriage, you must get into couples counseling now while you are dating and contemplating marriage. Otherwise, you will end up married to a non-communicator. In the long run, your marriage is finally doomed.
Related reading: 14 Signs You Should Break Up and 12 Signs You Should Stay With Your Partner
6. Lack of Support for Your Life Goals
The right partner will show a strong interest in all of your goals as a person separate from them. Not only will they show an interest, but they will do what they can to absolutely inspire you to go after them. The right person for you will even push you to keep working toward those goals. He understands what makes people grow and takes pride in your accomplishments.
Does this sound like your partner? Or is he not really showing support for where you want to go? This can be a sign of selfishness or narcissism and is one of those key signs that he is not the right partner for you.
Imagine a marriage and a life where you are “out there” all on your own going after your goals and your partner could not care less about whether you achieve. Yes, your family and your friends may support you, but if the partner you live with is indifferent, that can be downright depressing. It’s almost like they are making their partner struggle all on their own to achieve those goals. This is not the marriage you want, and this is the wrong husband for you.
7. Anger Issues When Dealing With Conflicts
What relationship or marriage does not have conflict? In fact, going through conflict successfully is one of the things that makes people grow in their relationships and marriages. So, take a look at how it looks when he does not handle disagreements and arguments well:
- While you are dating, you disagree about something relatively minor – maybe whether you are going out with friends one night. Instead of discussing it calmly, he becomes angry and accuses you of being unreasonable. This kind of reaction about a single night is what’s unreasonable.
- You disagree about his lack of trust in you. He is engaged in so much snooping that he is reading other’s texts to you on your phone. You resent it and want to have a talk. He storms out of the room, refusing to discuss the situation. You are not able to settle the matter, and you are getting some insight into a negative aspect of his personality. It’s not attractive.
- You disagree over a host of different things that even seem relatively minor now – where to eat, where to go on vacation, how much money to spend on certain purchases, etc. But if he doesn’t deal well with these, you need to have doubts about how he will deal with the biggies when they come along.
Not being mature about disagreement resolution now is not a good sign for your married future when the larger conflicts come up – whether to buy a house, where to live, go back to school, and such. Take your doubts seriously, and imagine a married life in which conflicts will not be resolved through discussion and compromise.
Let’s Recap: When It’s Better to Delay Your Wedding and Trust Your Feelings First
Relationships are complicated. And a wedding and a marriage can make them even more so. When you get a sign that causes you to have doubts, take it seriously before getting married. Don’t ignore or pretend not to notice. Accept the reality of his personality with his strengths and flaws that can impact the rest of your life if you end up marrying him.
These 7 signs you should not marry him comprise some worthwhile advice. Watch for them if you are seriously considering marrying the man. And answer these self-check questions before you leave:
- Are you on the same page on how finances will be handled?
- Do you feel good about the shared values you have? Even if you are of a different faith, do you each respect the other’s belief system?
- Does he show that your ideas and opinions are worth hearing?
- Can you fully trust him, or do you have a gut feeling that he is not being honest with you?
- Does he show trust in you? Refrain from checking up on you? Not snooping and reading other’s texts to you?
- Does he want you to be independent and follow your personal and professional goals?
- Does he listen to you, honor your thoughts and opinions, and show you that they are worth hearing? Does he consider your advice seriously?
- Is he willing to settle conflicts maturely through discussion and compromise?
- Does he find you attractive as a whole person?
If you can answer yes to all of the above, this is a man you will want to spend the rest of your life with. If not, remember that divorce can be painful, messy, and expensive.
