Hating My Boyfriend: What It Means?

Relationship Rules
25 Jun 2024
6 min read
Help Me, I Hate My Boyfriend

‘I hate my boyfriend’ is a strong statement. From how it feels inside, it may be defined as extreme dislike, with synonyms such as loathe and detest.

In reality, though, the word ‘hate’ has become so commonplace, that it has really lost its dictionary meaning. We now say things like, “I hate my hair today.” This doesn’t mean that you’re going to cut it all off. It’s a temporary frustration accompanied by negative feelings because it won’t do what you want today, not every day.

So, when you say “I hate my boyfriend” you may want to take a look at where those negative feelings are coming from and the emotions they bring up within you.

Related reading: How to Know Your Worth

Temporary vs. Permanent Negative Feelings

A lot of our hate is temporary. It’s the emotions of anger, frustration, fear, or hurt rising to the surface over any number of things:

  • We might say “I hate this job” when we have been overloaded with tasks. But in general, over the long run, we have positive feelings about our job. and the future it holds.
  • We might say, “I hate dirty clothes”, but we don’t hate those clothes when they are clean.

Other hate is permanent. You may have an intense dislike for any person who is unkind to service workers. You may have absolute hatred for child molesters, rapists, and drug dealers.

Now the trick will be to determine the kind of hate you have toward your boyfriend. And once you determine that, you will know whether the relationship can be saved, or you should move on. It’s one thing to hate a specific behavior of your boyfriend but quite another to dislike everything about him. Relationships are filled with complex emotions, and you will have to figure this out.

Related reading: How to Become the Most Authentic Version of You

How to Know If “I Hate My Boyfriend” Is Permanent or Not

First, understand that there is a thin line between love and hate. It’s tough to wrap your head around having feelings of love and hate for the same person, but it happens all the time in intimate relationships family members being a good example. Parents and their teens have lots of conflict over the teen’s behavior, and a common teen response, often in anger, is “I hate you!” In most cases, parents and their kids reconcile their differences as those kids move into adulthood.

Your job is to assess your own feelings about the love and hate you are feeling and make some decisions. You want to do the right thing, so take your time and analyze what causes your hate and if can be resolved into a healthy relationship or not.

Is It Normal?

The short answer is yes. In 2014, a group of researchers studied negative and positive emotions when subjects were asked to think of their significant other. While they initially reacted with positive sentiments and words, they also ultimately listed some negative feelings and words to describe them too.

It’s called ambivalence, and everyone has these feelings toward people they are in relationships with. It’s a matter of degree, and that’s what you have to figure out.

I hate my boyfriend: 10 signs it's temporary

10 Temporary Feelings Behind Your “I Hate My Boyfriend”

There are just a multitude of reasons why you are feeling temporary hate toward your boyfriend. Think about whether any of them apply to you.

1. Unresolved Conflicts

Here’s the thing about conflicts that the two of you don’t work out. They fester within you and cause anger and resentment. That in turn can manifest in making personal attacks, either on his part or yours. These conflicts have to be worked out and resolved.

2. Different Expectations

You may have different expectations for the relationship than your male partner. You may be looking for commitment and marriage. He may be happy with a long-term relationship without making it legal. If this cannot be resolved, you may need to consider moving on. Breaking off the relationship may result in a hard time for you in the beginning, but you have a right to a partner who meets your expectations.

3. Projection From Your Past

You may have unresolved issues from trauma or bad relationships in the past – perhaps a partner with really bad qualities – and if you see even a hint of these in your boyfriend you immediately start projecting your past experiences onto him.

Related reading: Ex Still Renting Space in Your Head? 11 Tools to Break Free

4. Your Needs Are Not Being Met

Again, you may be feeling frustration and even some anger. Maybe he is more interested in spending time with his buddies; maybe when you do spend time together, he is on his phone, his computer, watching TV, or otherwise preoccupied. You are feeling neglected – not at all what the relationship was when you began to date.

5. Communication Has Broken Down

You aren’t talking anymore. Open communication is critical to a healthy relationship. If you do initiate a conversation, he’ll cut it short, not wanting to deal with your issues. Or, you have become so angry about the situation, that you are giving him the silent treatment.

6. Stress

You are experiencing lots of personal stressors at work or other places. Check yourself to see if you might be taking this out on your partner, sparking negative behavior and responses from him. And those responses upset you to the point of thinking “I hate my boyfriend.”

Related reading: Connecting With Your Soul Through Ego Death

7. Imbalance of Power

This can be a biggie. If before you met him, you enjoyed the self-confidence and normal independence of a single gal. Now that you are in this relationship, you are feeling smothered and more under his thumb than you ever wanted in a relationship. And when you assert independence that upsets him, there is an argument. You find yourself going out with friends more just to get away and be more “free.”

This is not a good sign and unless he is willing to make changes (which may require professional help), your relationship may not survive.

If your boyfriend is a “control freak,” that can be a sign of a mental health issue – it’s one of those personality disorders that mental health professionals often deal with in relationships.

8. Incompatibility in Fundamental Things

Everyone has values, personal and professional goals, and lifestyle philosophy. And people often get into a relationship before they have an understanding of where their partner is on these matters. If this is your situation, then both of you are to blame.

The attitude that you hate your partner because he isn’t in sync with you is unfair. It’s probably time to break things off.

9. You Are Feeling Insecure and Jealous

Your partner has done things that lead you to worry that he is at least flirting or chatting with other women. Perhaps he has security measures on his phone and other devices; when he is writing texts or messages, he closes screens out when you come close; maybe he has suddenly chosen to spend more time out with the guys, and you begin to wonder where he really is. You just have a sense that something more is going on.

Now you may be wrong, and this may all be a result of your insecurities from the past coming back. But if you are right and discover that he is at least emotionally cheating, you have some decisions to make:

  • Do you confront him and risk a really bad argument?
  • Do you hope that it’s just a phase and say nothing?
  • Do you counter by engaging in the same behavior?

A little jealousy can be healthy in a relationship. But it’s not healthy if it is consuming your thoughts and you find yourself worried and upset too much of the time. If you speak to him about it and he is unwilling to respect your feelings, then there is a problem.

Related reading: What Is Retroactive Jealousy and How to Overcome It

10. He Has Withdrawn Emotionally

When your relationship was new, you spent a lot of time together. There was lots of communication – you could talk about anything. You supported each other’s goals and dreams with mutual respect. Life with this guy was full of joy and promise for the future.

Gradually you have become aware that he is withdrawing from you emotionally. Now this didn’t happen quickly over a week or a month. It has been a gradual process over the course of time. But here you are feeling as though your partner is not feeling connected to you anymore. Here are some signs:

  • He doesn’t listen and respond when you talk about your day
  • He’s not interested in going out together
  • Sex has become an act of physical satisfaction without the romantic foreplay and afterglow.
  • He doesn’t show enthusiasm about trying new things with you or attending events with your family and loved ones. He may make excuses not to go.
  • He doesn’t share his successes with you and doesn’t celebrate yours either.

According to Rachael Farina, licensed marriage and family therapist, “Maintaining relationships — whether platonic or romantic — requires a certain level of emotional investment and availability…Therefore, it might be difficult to maintain any sort of relationship when emotional unavailability is present…”

7 Signs Your ‘I Hate My Boyfriend’ May Be Permanent

Here is a list of your feelings and behaviors that might indicate your hate is permanent and it will be time to forget about him and move on.

  1. You are constantly irritated by everything he says or does, no matter how minor.
  2. You don’t feel affectionate toward him and don’t want any from him.
  3. You think and speak only about his flaws and shortcomings and complain about them to friends and others.
  4. You have no desire to talk with him about anything important. You may write text messages to your partner about schedules, and such rather than verbally tell him. You do not want any serious conversations with him.
  5. You have no desire to go out with him.
  6. You become hostile toward him, either overtly or by simply ignoring anything he says or does.
  7. You have thoughts about how pleasant life would be without him.

Above all, don’t think you are crazy for feeling these not-so-positive emotions about your partner. The point now is what you intend to do about it.

What yo do if you have strong negative feelings about your boyfriend

3 Options Checking Out Your Options

Now, let’s check out your options and see what you can do about this situation.

1. Walk Away

You may feel that you have put up with enough and that your partner will not meet your expectations for a life-long relationship. If so, the best action is to make a clean break. And an additional tip here? Set up a new living situation before you tell him. Nothing is worse than two people living in the same space while hostile or upset.

Another tip? If you go looking for someone who will meet your expectations, don’t fall into the trap of falling for someone with the same personality disorders. This happens often because we look for the comfortable rather than the new.

2. Take a Break

Tell your partner that you need some personal space away from him. Cut off all communication with him. One of two things may happen. He may realize how much he really cares and wants to work things out. Or he may be relieved. And the same two things may happen to you.

Be careful here. His motives may not be genuine. If you do try it again, be clear about your expectations and needs and set your own guidelines for him to demonstrate his commitment. If things begin to fall apart again, you must leave for good.

3. Stay But Get Professional Help

If he is willing and you are open to saving the relationship, couples therapy is the best route to take. Both of you will need to be honest about your grievances and your needs. This is not a quick fix, but if both commit it can repair what was broken.

If you have ended it, you may want some therapy anyway. It helps to analyze how and why you got into the situation so that you can avoid a repeat in the future.

Wrapping It Up

So, do you hate your boyfriend? Is it temporary or permanent? What should you look for as signs that you do? The information in this article will give you the information you need to make the best decisions for your own well-being and happiness.

Dating Tips Author
Shelly Standford
After a devastating relationship breakup, I threw myself into the dating scene by registering on Hily. I had over 100 dates - some absolute disasters, some pretty average, and some that were actually great. So many stories to tell and insights to share with you guys!
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