After a devastating relationship breakup, I threw myself into the dating scene by registering on Hily. I had over 100 dates - some absolute disasters, some pretty average, and some that were actually great. So many stories to tell and insights to share with you guys!
Table of contents
Your Guide to Pursue a Woman
You found her. You were at a club, a wedding, or surfing a dating app online when you saw her. The initial attraction was there, and now you want to know her better. But the question comes, how to pursue a woman so she doesn’t reject you?
We are here to help you. Check out these 9 practical tips on how to sparkle mutual attraction when you decide to pursue a woman.
Pursueing vs. Chasing
Before starting this discussion, on the difference between pursuing and chasing. And you do need to know the difference, so you stop chasing and pursue instead.
Picture this: A cat is chasing a mouse. What is the mouse doing? He is running away from the cat as fast as he can. When men chase women, their idea is to “catch” them. It doesn’t work that way. The harder you chase, the more she feels overwhelmed by your aggressive behavior, and the more she backs away.
When you pursue a woman, you move slowly. You engage her, and you are respectful, so she’ll feel comfortable talking with you and then agree to date you. You don’t rush things; you do everything at the right moment, steadily establishing eye contact and putting a genuine compliment to make her comfortable.
Think of pursuing women as pursuing your life goals. You set your goals, develop plans, and take a step-by-step approach. Same here: you wait for the moment so she trusts you more than just a conversation partner.
9 Tips on How to Pursue and Get Her Attention
Long-term relationships last because they develop over time, not overnight. If you want a serious relationship with this woman, you will understand that right from the beginning.
If you are lucky enough to get her phone number, you’re not going to then blow up her phone with calls and messages. She’ll be tempted to block you.
Let’s take a look at the behaviors that will show you are interested in a long-term romantic partner – those that make your intentions clear. The most important thing to remember here is that you will be dating for a while. And your dating behaviors are what will make your pursuit successful. Here are the “keys to the kingdom.”
1. Be Honest From the Get-Go
Other males may try to impress and puff themselves up by exaggerating any number of things – their career position, financial situation, special talents and abilities, etc. You will not be doing that. Girls may respond well and be attracted to guys they believe have everything a girl could want, but eventually, the truth will come out. When it does, she’ll be disappointed at best and angry at worst.
Be authentic and genuine. If she’s interested in the real you, your dating is off to a great start.
2. She’s a “Who” Not a “What”
Other men may “objectify” women. You, however, will not be doing that. Girls today have a sense of independence, careers, and life goals. And they’re smart about the world and all it has to offer them. When a girl starts dating a guy who only sees her as a pretty face and great body, she won’t be dating him long.
You, however, understand that a girl has a brain and uses it. Yes, she may be attractive, but she also has thoughts and opinions that matter. She wants equality in a partnership.
To show her that you respect her as her own person, make a point to ask her about her short- and long-term goals, ask her about her job, or ask her how her day went. And focus on what she is saying so that she knows you hear her.
Beyond that, you should ask questions that make her think – open-ended ones that will let you get to know this woman better and let her know her thoughts matter to you. Ask questions like, “What is the biggest challenge you are facing now,” or “Who are your role models,” “What is your greatest strength?”
Related reading: 50 Excellent Icebreaker Questions for Dating
3. Avoid Hot Topics Early On
Early in your dating, it’s important to get to know as much about her as possible. After all, that is the only way you know if you want to keep pursuing her. Suppose, for example, that you don’t want kids, and you learn that she wants lots. She may be someone you will date casually from now on.
But early in your dating, you should still avoid controversial topics, especially politics and religion. If she brings them up, listen but don’t argue. And if you learn that she has strong beliefs that you cannot abide by, you may want to re-evaluate how serious you want to be.
4. Be Confident
“There will always be someone who’s better looking, more intelligent, and more successful than you. But if you’re concerned with those possibilities, you’ll never be happy with yourself. And clearly, you won’t have the mental capacity to make her happy, either…Understand if she’s giving you even a small portion of her time, there’s some level of interest. Be confident, and work with what you’re given.”
Anthony D’Ambrosio, writer for Elite Daily
Most women appreciate a man who has confidence. He knows who he is and what he is about. He is, as they say, comfortable in his own skin and not afraid to show it. But remember this: there is a fine line between being confident and acting like a braggart.
Find the right balance. It’s easy to focus on your insecurities and the jealousy that may pop up if you learn that she is dating others.
5. Be Clear About Your Intentions
When you meet a girl and you believe there is a mutual attraction, do this:
- Tell her you would like to get together
- Ask for her phone number and give her yours (Most guys would do this, so don’t miss a chance).
- If she’s interested, she will respond positively
- If you get a sense that she’s ready at that moment, see if you can set up a date right then and there.
- As you continue dating her, make sure she understands what you are looking for in a relationship, and ask her the same.
This dating game can be complex if you let it be. If your goals for relationships are totally different, do you still want to pursue her? If they are different, and you continue dating for enjoyment, both of you know that a long-term relationship is probably not going to happen. Then, you don’t have to be playing games while you date.
6. Embrace Spontaneity
Dating life can become pretty dull and boring. Women are used to dinner and a movie, maybe a concert here and there, or even a walk on the beach after a nice meal. And they have been to plenty of bars of course.
How about you get creative and surprise her with a unique date? Maybe an escape room with some friends, or a “paint and sip” night, either in-person or online if you are dating someone digitally. Women do like someone who can come up with fun ideas for a date.
Put some effort into being spontaneous with her. When you have a date, send her a text, tell her what time to be ready and how to dress. Let her wonder about what you are up to.
One word of caution: If you have done your homework and have listened to her interests, you will plan those “surprise” dates to coincide with those. A woman who prefers more sedentary life activities will probably not appreciate a rock-climbing date.
Related reading: Out with the Cliché Second Date Ideas
7. Talk About Boundaries
We all have them with our family, our friends, and, yes, with ladies we are dating. They’re called boundaries. Basically, these are limits that someone sets about ways that others are allowed to behave towards them.
And boundaries are set in relationships too. For example, how comfortable is she about you seeing other women while you are dating? Here are some types of boundaries that you and your new woman might set:
- Emotional: Allowing one another privacy and personal space; Letting each other know when you need privacy and space; Allowing oneself the right not to share some feelings or emotions when you don’t feel like sharing
- Physical: Setting the lines of comfort levels in physical intimacy and respecting one another’s boundaries in this area.
- Time: Making sure that there is time for the relationship but also time for individual commitments of other types; setting time alone for self-care in personal lives outside of this relationship world.
Make certain that you both set boundaries and communicate these clearly and honestly.
Related reading: Boundaries in Relationships – Keeping Them Healthy
8. Don’t Bombard or “Stalk”
The point, again, stalking is about boundaries. You both have your own lives apart from each other. But she may easily come to see that you may not have a life of your own apart from her if you are constantly in her face with calls, messages, and social media comments.
This, she will not accept – she may simply walk away.
9. Never Compromise Who You Are
What makes a man pursue a woman? He is attracted to her. And in that attraction, he may just compromise who he is to be someone he thinks she wants him to be.
Just don’t do it. You will end up unhappy over the long haul. Never forget who you are – walk away and lose her before you do this.
4 Cases When You Should Stop Pursuing a Woman
You can probably figure most of this out on your own, but, just in case, here are the things you should notice that are clear signs it’s time to stop the pursuit.
1. She’s Not Responding to Your Contact Efforts
Responses show interest. Yes, she has a life apart from you, but, as the saying goes, “We always find the time for the things we really want to do.” If she was really into you, she would be looking for your contacts and responding quickly.
2. She Doesn’t Take Initiative
If she’s not calling or texting you, the girl is not wanting to talk to you. It’s sometimes “cute” to play hard to get, but in the adult world that’s a bit immature. Otherwise, this behavior is a sure sign that she’s just not into you. Maybe she’s talking to or even dating another guy.
Another thing here: If her replies to you are short, it’s another cue. If she wanted to keep up the relationship, she would put more effort into her responses. And when you are with her, you may notice that her body language has changed – another strong sign.
Related reading: 9 Signs She’s Losing Interest and Strategies on How to Win Her Back
3. She Introduces You as Her “Friend”
If she’s romantically interested, she will not use this term when introducing you to her friends, acquaintances, or co-workers. Words have meaning. She could at least say, “This is (your name), the man who has given me a better life” or something like that. Being a “friend” tells others there’s nothing serious going on.
4. She States She’s Not Ready for Something Serious
The best advice here? Walk away before you get hurt. If you stick around hoping she’ll come around, the pain of the ultimate breakup will reach into your soul.
And there’s nothing to say that she won’t come back sometime in the future, having changed her mind.
That’s a Wrap…
Women are individuals and can’t be put into the same “box.” So here is our final advice: if you are pursuing a woman, recognize her individuality and frame your pursuit based on that. What you have just read, though, should give some general do’s and don’ts. Use those that fit your situation.
Shelly Standford
