What to do When There’s no Chemistry in a Relationship

It sucks. You’re dating such a nice person, but there’s no spark! No oomph! No intensity! Unfortunately, it isn’t enough for you or your partner to be great people individually. Sometimes, having common interests doesn’t do the trick either. All of these things can be in place, but there’s just no chemistry.

Flipside: chemistry can be overrated and misinterpreted. Sometimes, our idea of having this crazy chemistry can be a sign that we don’t recognize or don’t know how to maintain a healthy relationship. Let’s talk about chemistry in a relationship, what that looks like, why your relationship needs it, and how you might be able to get it!

What is Chemistry in a Relationship?

Some signs that you have great chemistry are:

• Feelings of intense happiness when you are around or anticipate being around one another
• Shared sense of humor
• ‘Predicting’ emotions, reactions and moods
• Feeling instantly comfortable with each other
• The ability to easily talk about anything
• Enjoying just existing around one another without chatting or doing anything specific

Romantic Chemistry

Romance is a bit subjective. It’s a combination of feelings and behaviors that are involved in creating and maintaining a close, intimate relationship. It’s related to sexual chemistry, but isn’t the same thing. Romantic chemistry is shared romantic feelings. More than that, it’s an innate understanding of what makes you both tick as far as romantic feelings go.

Sexual Chemistry

Sexual chemistry is like no chemistry ever. It’s so hot and so important that Sabrina Carpenter even wrote a song about it! “Bed Chem” describes the intensity and desire two people can feel when things are just right where intimacy is concerned. That passion may even persist between the two when the rest of the relationship is not so great.

But there’s the risk that sexual chemistry will fade under stress or feelings of emotional exhaustion. It’s important to take steps to maintain sex chemistry if this is important to you.

Initial Chemistry

“Ask anyone who has ever fallen in love at first sight and they will tell you—their mutual chemistry created an instant attraction. We have all known friends who went on a first date and knew instantly that they would spend their entire life with that person. Or, they knew instantly there was no chance because there was no chemistry at all.”

Susan C Young, Communication Expert

This spark and initial attraction may feel like love at first sight. Two individuals connect and immediately hit it off. Right away, they both want to seek out connection as they spend more time together. This kind of chemistry can happen on the first date, or the first time a pair spends time chatting. Unfortunately, this initial passion and attraction is often the fastest to fade away.

Emotional Chemistry

Emotional chemistry isn’t just the ability to make one another feel better. It’s feeling safe sharing your emotions without having to put on a happy face. It’s knowing instinctively how to react to a person’s emotions. Emotional chemistry can exist between lovers, friends and family members.

Other Types of Chemistry

You don’t need to be in a romantic relationship to experience chemistry. You may have that deep emotional connection to other people in your life. For example, that one friend you love spending time with, that favorite cousin, or even a coworker who just gets you. It’s important to value the chemistry in all long-term relationships.

Signs You Have Great Relationship Chemistry

When you’re out in the dating world, finding that person you have fabulous chemistry with can feel like finding a hundred-dollar bill on the street. Not impossible, but how often does that happen??? Finding somebody who’s physically attractive to you might be part of this, but genuine chemistry is more than that. It’s the connection, feelings of excitement and anticipation, and just knowing that something amazing is happening. Have you ever been on a first date and felt a spark right away? If yes, you know what it’s like to feel chemistry. Here are the signs of chemistry in a relationship:

The Conversation Flows

Your conversations are effortless. Talking feels natural, and you don’t have to force things. You might get lost in an hour-long chat about your work or get into a deeper discussion about your political philosophies. Whatever the topic, the words flow freely. This is great, because a good person for you is someone you can talk to and feel heard.

You Have an Undeniable Emotional Connection

There’s an emotional bond to chemistry, more than just attraction. With it, you can be yourself and express your feelings without fear of judgment. You realize your partner understands you, and this makes your relationship stronger.

You Have a Sense of Humor in Common

Real chemistry is there if you can laugh together! Do you and your boo tease each other lovingly, banter, joke around, find humor in daily life, and just have a great time together? That is a strong sign of compatibility. For example, a close friend can get you to laugh at the most absurd things, or a romantic partner can have a way of making you laugh even while turning you on.

You Feel Physical Attraction And Easily Show Affection

Is it just you, or…? You look at your partner and realize how great they look, like, all the time. And you’re attracted to them as they are, not just when they are working at it. You want to show them how much you like them with your touch. You find yourselves holding hands on dates, or putting your arms around each other when you’re just standing close. Mmm, that’s connection!

Time Feels Different

Where did those hours go?! When you really vibe with each other, time seems to work differently. It doesn’t matter how long a date is. When you have chemistry, it never feels long enough.

You Share an Interest in Each Other’s Lives

When relationship chemistry is strong, both partners care about the other’s hobbies, interests, and future plans. They want to be in sync to support each other. Your goals become theirs, too, and the same goes for them. This doesn’t mean a lack of independence, though! People can have a great connection and also keep their own independent friendships, hobbies etc.

You Can Just Exist in Silence

Not all silences are awkward. Where there’s good chemistry, you don’t have to fill every moment with conversation or scramble to be constantly doing something. If you really click, you’ll find you enjoy simply existing together. You can sit in silence or parallel play without feeling awkward or as if something is missing. Maybe that’s what they call true love?

Related reading: Understanding Relationship Chemistry: How to Make the Sparkle Last?

Signs You And Your Partner Lack Chemistry

What No Chemistry Looks Like in a Relationship

But what if you feel like something’s missing? Perhaps the spark is lost? What does no chemistry look like in a relationship?

Here are some signs that you and your partner have no chemistry or have lost it along the way.

Compatibility vs. Chemistry

First, keep in mind that many happy, loving, lifelong relationships are built without that initial feeling of spark and excitement.

“Sometimes love grows slowly, as you get to know someone. Falling in love with the character, lovingness, personality, honor and strength of a person is quite different from falling in love with the outer person: physical appearance, beauty, style and dress.”

Tina Tessina, licensed marriage and family therapist

Second, note the difference between chemistry and compatibility. Couples may have compatibility, like shared interests, values and goals, but that special emotional spark and pull just isn’t there. Or maybe it’s been lost over time. The point is: a woman or man might just not “feel” the strong desire for someone they are in a relationship with. And however they hope it will hit at some point, it doesn’t. The relationship feels more like a comfortable glove than a passionate, romantic affair from the movies—the fireworks are just… not there.

Let’s unpack the signs that chemistry is lacking:

You’re Caught Up in Nice Guy Syndrome

You’re a nice dude, we get that. But the woman you are interested in just isn’t attracted to you. Or perhaps you’re the woman in this situation. You’re dating somebody who is, by all appearances, nice. But even if you try, you just aren’t that attracted to him, you know?

That’s okay! Niceness doesn’t mean chemistry or compatibility. Nobody is ‘supposed’ to be attracted to anyone just because they do nice things. Don’t feel bad if you aren’t into someone just because they have an amazing personality.

Likewise, remember that nice is something you should just be. You don’t feed nice coins into a relationship in hopes of a kiss, date, or more. Focus on the great relationships you create, and just know there’s something out there.

Also, don’t believe the myth that women don’t like guys who are nice. Genuinely good people are, and will always be appreciated. Still, there’s nothing wrong with a bit of passion and mystique. For example, she might love it if you surprise her with an amazing date. Don’t be scared to take the lead!

Your Silences are Awkward

You know the drill. Suppose you and your boo go out for dinner. During the meal, you both struggle for things to talk about. It’s not that you’re too tired. The silence just feels… bad.

Two people who are attracted physically and emotionally generally have lots to talk about. Two people who are not may spend more time on their phones than in conversation.

Physical Intimacy is Lacking or Limited

Any romantic connection involves both planned and spontaneous lovemaking. But it’s also about the little things like holding hands in public or a kiss goodbye. A girl or a guy who has a passion for someone will plan romantic dates, text their love juicy stuff in the middle of the day, and seek and enjoy physical touch, kisses and hugs. There’s a chemical deficit if the desire for physical intimacy is missing or has been lost.

Related reading: How to Be a Better Lover—Inside and Out

You’re Emotionally Disconnected

Are you still on the same wavelength? If you are, you’ll share the joys, issues and challenges openly, and the reaction won’t feel wrong. But imagine: a girl has received a promotion at work or any type of success. She shares it with her partner, and his response is a bit “ho-hum,” as if it’s just not big deal.

At the same time, if a girl or guy tries to have a conversation to explain how they are really feeling about things, it’s tough to get the thoughts out. The conversation seems forced, and one or both are just not all that interested. Your convos get superficial.

You Forget Eye Contact

If two people are attracted to one another, they look at each other when they talk. That’s a key form of body language when you feel chemistry.

You Get Irritated Over Small Things

At first, you may find it cute that your guy or girl can’t seem to remember to put the cap back on the toothpaste. Over time, though, this becomes an irritant. And the little things just pile up.

You’re Relieved When the Other is Away

Not only does a couple not have meaningful dates anymore, but both seem to be content, if not a bit happy, when the other is away. This is not a good sign at all.

Related reading: 14 Signs You Should Break Up and 12 Signs You Should Stay With Your Partner

You Don’t Have Shared Interests

In the initial stage of a love affair, couples are pretty much attached at the hip. They go everywhere together and love the time spent together. Once that initial stage is over, the normal progression is that they do return to some individual interests and activities. But if they share nothing in common and have no desire to do so, there’s trouble brewing.

There’s No Emotional Support

Chemistry is not just physical bonding. When a girl or guy is going through a rough patch, their partner should be invested in supporting them through it. And this should be mutual! If that support is lacking, the connection is gone.

You Don’t Laugh or Have Fun

Couples who share an intimate connection find ways to have fun together and reasons to laugh. If they don’t have inside jokes or moments of playful banter, something is wrong. Life together becomes a chore.

Can You Feel Chemistry Again (Or Ever)?

Now that is the million-dollar question. Basically, you have two options: decide that it’s over and move on or see if there are solutions to pursue. If you both choose the latter, here are some suggestions. They’ll involve some work, so make sure you’re committed!

Have “the Talk”

What do you want? What do they want? Maybe one of you wants more PDA, wants to feel their body is attractive and loved; maybe the other wants to feel they are being listened to and heard.

“The talk” has ground rules up front. Each of you agrees to listen to the other without interruption, criticism or judgment. This is a conversation about what each person wants and needs—nothing else.

Just getting things out in the open can heal lots of frustration and resentment. And if either of you feels the need, get couples therapy to help you through this step—a must if issues from previous relationships are a roadblock.

Set Up a Regular “Check-In” Time

This may be daily or whatever schedule you set up. How are each of you feeling about the other? Are your needs being better met now? This keeps lines of communication open and ongoing.

Add Some Curiosity and Mystery

You don’t have to reveal everything about yourself at all times. Keeping some mystery tends to foster a need in the other to know more about what you’re doing and up to. Here’s one thing that might lead to curiosity and mystery. You take turns planning a date, the details of which the other doesn’t know. This can lead to the spontaneity and laughter that may have been missing.

About That Eye Contact

Agree that any time you’re chatting, eye contact is a must. Just that eye contact will foster the kind of chemistry you are looking for. It also tends to keep both of you honest.

Level Up Your Looks

Part of what attracted you in the beginning was your physical looks. It doesn’t take a lot for a woman or a man to spruce up. Focus on an appearance upgrade of your body and your dress, and not just for a date. And while you’re out on that date night, your beau may just notice others stealing glances at you. A little healthy jealousy may be a good spice!

Find New Activities to Pursue Together

You both have your own hobbies and interests. Suggest something that neither of you has tried before: a cooking course, salsa dancing lessons, new and different events etc. Not only does this give you plenty to talk about, but the activities themselves are bonding experiences!

Suggest a Long Weekend Getaway

This doesn’t have to be a one-time thing. Make it seasonal, depending on the weather. It’s a great idea to take turns planning the destination, the activities and such. Add some mystery by keeping the other guessing what your choice is.

Practice Gratitude and Appreciation

It’s not just a matter of thanking someone who stopped by the store for something you needed. It goes deeper than that. Here’s a thought. Have a gratitude jar. Put notes in it as moments of appreciation and gratitude come up in your head. Share these once a month. This will create a positive bonding experience that may just fix your problem.

A Final Word

If the chemistry isn’t there or it’s been lost, there are two choices: split or work on it. If you choose to work on it, no one will ever tell you it’s easy. No wonder many couples just choose to split. But if you believe that, as a couple, you want a future together, put in the work! You will enjoy that lifelong love you both deserve.

Related reading: Relationship Values to Share