For those of you who think being a better lover is all about improving your skills and talents in the bedroom, think again. Love doesn’t begin in the bedroom, and it is not kept alive by only what happens there. Not to say that sexual pleasure and a healthy sexual relationship aren’t important parts of romance – they absolutely are. But if you want to be a better lover in the bedroom, you best be thinking about how to be a better lover outside that bedroom too.
So let’s have a look at how to be a better lover in both places.
Ask yourself this: how am I fostering emotional intimacy? Long-term relationships last when both partners are committed to keeping an emotional connection strong. If they feel disconnected, they grow apart, and that does carry over into the bedroom. Sex becomes simply a method for physical release, with little foreplay, little communication, and no intimate afterglow.
So, what can you do outside the bedroom to keep your love life healthy and thriving? Here are tips and strategies to consider.
“You might first try communicating about slightly scary non-sex things in order to gain practice talking about harder things. Once your communication skills become more refined you can begin moving into the realm of sex.”
Dr Kelifern Pomeranz, psychologist and certified sex therapist
This how communication and sex are connected in an article for Oprah Daily; communicating only about sex confines intimacy. Emotional intimacy comes from much broader communication topics:
All of these things lead to more intimate relationships in bed and help you become a better lover.
Showing appreciation builds emotional intimacy and is a surefire way to increase intimacy in bed. Here are tips to show appreciation:
While none of these directly relates to sex, they will foster lots of positive emotions which translate to life in bed.
How does this tie into tips on how to be a better lover? It ties in indirectly just as all of these suggestions do – it’s about an emotional connection between two people.
When two find things to do that provide pleasure, they experience far more than just a physical connection of sex. These things include enjoying a boat ride, carnival rides, volunteering at an animal shelter, going out with friends, and singing karaoke together. They make you feel all “warm and fuzzy” toward one another, and the foreplay, the sexual intimacy, and the afterglow are that much sweeter.
Good sex doesn’t just “happen.” For a sex session to be amazing and memorable, both a woman and a guy must see it as an art form of sorts. To be a good lover, you’ll need to act upon a number of things.
You may or may not have past experiences with good sex. But what do you know about your own body? What turns you on? Have you pleasured yourself? Masturbating may be something your parents told you not to do. You may have heard this in sex education classes. Total BS of course. How do you like to do it – fast, slow, over the tip of your penis, or massaging your clit?
“If you are invested in becoming a better lover, I recommend that you regularly participate in self-love/self-pleasure practice.”
Watch some adult movie and observe what turns you on the most. Encourage your lover to do the same. Then both of you will have a better sexual connection during your lovemaking. If you have real hang-ups about this kind of sex, then you might want to speak with a sex therapist.
Non-sexual interaction fosters an emotional connection. Sexual conversation should be on tap too. And it comes in two forms: outside of and in the bedroom.
It’s time to have a real conversation about what you want in bed and what your partner wants. If both of you are honest and open and are actively listening to one another, chances of great sex are increased. Great lovers are also great listeners.
You might also watch some related adult videos together. You can then both identify what would be a turn-on and/or a new sexual technique to try in bed.
Don’t have these conversations in bed. It’s too easy to go ahead and have sex without really upping your game at all.
Communicating during sex is a great way to become a great lover too. Instead of focusing on getting to the finish line, good sex begins with foreplay, then the actual sexual act, and the afterglow. During all of this, it’s important that you ask your partner if something feels good, if it turns them on, or what you could do differently.
Speak up. Tell your partner what they are doing right and what they might do differently. It’s also a good time to try a different sexual technique you have talked about, perhaps some new oral sex position, or the use of sex toys you have purchased. Explore at will.
If you want to be a great lover, make sure that the lines of communication are open during all of your sex. Most women and men will have few things they appreciate more.
This might sound counterintuitive. After all, a sexual encounter should be spontaneous, right? Well, to a point, yes. But given the horribly busy lives we lead, two people aren’t always able to be spontaneous with sex.
Here’s a great way to “schedule” some sex. Send a couple of sexy texts to your squeeze during the day, indicating that you would love to have some sex time tonight. Add a little humor by asking for an appointment.
Think about it. There is something highly erotic about drawing on your partner’s stomach with your finger/tongue; there is also something highly erotic about a hard kiss while clasping their head tightly; and there are times when that medium-sized holding and hugging is amazing. How about squeezing their fingers nice and tight while you bring them in for a kiss? Different kinds of touches say different things about your feelings at the moment – a great way to communicate them without words.
So many men and women see sex as serious. They try hard to get everything right or they are just focusing on getting to orgasm. This can actually be pretty boring for your partner, and it can almost become an obligation. No one’s sex life should be boring. One of the ways to put some spice into the bedroom game is to add fun and humor. So, get playful, make your partner laugh. It makes you a better lover.
One playful aspect of being in bed is trying new things. You know, switching things up a bit based on what you’ve seen and talked about. It may be some new oral sex technique or a new position you saw. Unfortunately, you are not as nimble or flexible as the “actors,” and the two of you end up in an awkward entanglement of legs, arms, or both. It’s something to have a laugh about, not just in the moment but down the road too. Couples who laugh stay connected.
There are erotic and also hilarious sex games online or at any big box bookstore. Check them out and buy a couple. One, for example, is a deck of cards. One partner picks a card without showing the other. It is something that the other partner must now do to them. So, the next they have sex, the partner brings out the card and any materials or supplies that go along with the activity. One woman, for example, drew a card and showed up with a can of shaving cream and a razor. Her partner’s task was to shave her pubes. Actually, it turned out to be really erotic and added lots of “heat” to their sex. Take some initiative here.
Many individuals who experience sexual dysfunction (women who can’t orgasm or men who experience erectile dysfunction) seek help through therapy. If you are in a long-term relationship, then this therapy should happen as a couple.
The reasons may vary for different people, but one of the things that therapists will suggest (among many that are already mentioned here) will be to focus more on foreplay in bed rather than continue to struggle to reach orgasm. That would be the wrong thing to do during this time.
If your lover is experiencing dysfunction, take the therapist’s advice about foreplay. Get in bed, communicate a lot, and be the best version of yourself with a commitment to explore what may turn your lover on. It’s the wrong time to be thinking about yourself.
“Goal-oriented sex takes us out of the present moment and can diminish pleasure, joy, and true intimacy… Sometimes this occurs because one (or both) partners are experiencing performance anxiety or think that orgasm is the thing that is desired. It can be fun to take orgasm off the table and instead play in the erotic, slowly moving toward and away from sensation and pleasure.”
Explore your partner’s body. Foreplay can include the end goal too. Many women and men enjoy mutual masturbation, for example, once they have aroused one another via foreplay. Watching each other orgasm is a great sexual experience for both partners. It can give a sense of what techniques they should try during lovemaking sessions.
When a sexual relationship becomes a bit mundane and only functional, it’s easy to perform sex acts as more of an obligation and physical release. Real desire is missing. And during the act, it’s easy to let your mind wander to lots of other things – things at work, stuff that has to be done tomorrow, or whether your partner is enjoying it, etc.
Once you realize that your mind is wandering, it’s time to have some self-talk and figure out how you bring the mundane back to real pleasure. One thing to try is focusing on your senses during intercourse. How does your partner smell? What does their skin feel like? What sounds are they making? Can you make more pleasurable sounds too? How does your partner taste? This kind of focus will keep you in the moment and that will transfer over into better sex for both partners.
Sex doesn’t end when lovers have both reached orgasm. Both of you are physically spent, of course, and it’s time to get your breathing and heart rate back to normal. But this period of time is also important to your relationship too. It’s called the afterglow for a reason. Both of you should feel closer to each other.
There are things you should do during this time. Ask your lover what they need – some water, a towel, another blanket. And do they want to snuggle with you, or would they rather just fall off to sleep by themselves? Their desire may not be the same as yours, but honor that, nonetheless. Sexual preferences will differ during the afterglow too.
Switch things up with accessories. Sex toys have become highly sophisticated. They light up; they vibrate, expand, and are designed to “hit” more than one area at a time. Some are even designed for both lovers to use at the same time. The options are almost limitless.
If you and your partner have talked about sex toys or seen some that you want to try, go shopping together, either online or by visiting a local sex store. Just the shopping can excite your partner as they anticipate how these toys may be used.
Experiment with your new toys and talk about them as you do. The focus should be on mutual pleasure, of course, but paying attention to what your partner enjoys will serve to drive your relationship even closer, even at an emotional level.
If your partner does not live with you, think about how the physical surroundings of your lovemaking space can impact the pleasure in bed. A messy room, with clothes on the floor, soiled or messy sheets or a dirty bathroom can be a huge turnoff to someone who is far neater. So, clean up your place before you have a partner join you for sex.
And there are other things to do too. Switch things up with scented candles. How about some lovely-smelling fabric spray on your bedding? What about soft music that you know your partner likes? Making love in a great physical environment enhances pleasure. Take time to do this.
A “quickie” during a lunch-hour hookup does not leave a lot of time for foreplay and afterglow. And that’s okay, so long as you both have scheduled it and know that just sex is what you are both after.
But during those times when you have the time for the entire experience and your whole body will be involved (and your partner’s too), taking things slowly will make you a much better lover. With no time constraints, you have the time for extended foreplay. If you are not familiar with the term “edging,” read up on it and consider using it on your partner. It involves bringing that partner to the point of climax and then backing off, only to begin again and repeat. This can bring an ultimate amazing orgasm that your partner will truly appreciate once it’s all over.
Every romantic encounter gives you the chance to be a better lover. And making love is just not about penetrative sex. It involves a relationship in and out of bed. Read through these tips and strategies for how to become a better lover, and you may very well become the best lover ever.