Telltale Signs The Relationship is Over For Him

At first, it seemed like you had a healthy relationship. Now the vibe is entirely different. Things are tense. It’s like you are both feeling relationship frustrations, but nobody will say anything directly. Could it all be in your head? What are the telltale signs the relationship is over for him?

If he is losing interest, he may not say so directly. Instead, you’ll have to check his behavior for these signs that may mean the relationship is over.

What Does it Mean to be Done?

Causes of Feeling Done

Several things may cause a person to just feel done. Sometimes, the issue is external to your relationship. For example, if your partner is struggling with a mental health issue like depression, they may lack the emotional bandwidth to take part in a relationship and just shut you out.

Sometimes, a person shuts down when they feel as if they have put all the effort into maintaining a relationship, but aren’t getting anything in return. Then, there are factors such as cheating, constant fighting, or just falling out of love. Even boredom can cause a person to feel done if it reflects some ongoing dissatisfaction or lack of fulfillment.

Why he Won’t Communicate That He is no Longer Interested

Why won’t he just come out and tell you that it’s over or that he is unhappy? At least that would show some respect! Then you could move on or have an open and honest conversation about fixing things. There are a few reasons for this:

• Your partner is too non confrontational to speak his mind
• He is in denial about how he feels but it shows in his actions
• He wants you to end things so he isn’t the ‘bad guy’
• Your partner wants to go but feels obligated to stay
• He believes you should be able to figure things out without him saying so
• It is convenient for him to stay—he is benefitting emotionally, financially, or sexually
• He doesn’t want to hurt you and just hopes you can work things out
• He thinks or knows you have been cheating or betraying him in some other way

Men who struggle to just come out with their feelings of anger, disappointment or sadness often struggle with this. He doesn’t want to own how he feels or take responsibility for wanting out. So, he engages in hurtful or frustrating behaviors that clearly show hostility and resentment, but will then deny those emotions while lashing out at his partner.

“If you’re in a relationship with someone who shows passive-aggressive traits, you might find yourself constantly second-guessing your reality, trying to decode contradictory messages, and wondering why direct communication seems impossible.”

Dr. Kathy McMahon, a licensed psychologist and member of the APA

Signs The Relationship is Over For Him

Does he want to end the relationship? These are signs that can reveal your partner’s feelings, even if he isn’t inclined to get to the point directly.

Physical Intimacy Changes

This is a clear sign that the relationship is in trouble according to your partner, especially if being physically intimate was important to both of you. Not only is this a bad sign for your relationship’s future, but this can aggravate other negative feelings and cause more distance.

Touching releases hormones, namely oxytocin. This leads to feelings of love, happiness, and connection. When physical intimacy ends, and that doesn’t just mean sexual desire, you can lose that deep connection with one another.

He Rejects Your Attempts at Emotional Intimacy

You try to maintain a meaningful connection. You talk about your feelings, ask him about his, but his responses are cold and abrupt. He might outright ignore you or leave the room. You text him a compliment and he responds with a blunt “okay”. It would be easier to deal with directly confrontational behavior. Instead, you just feel shot down.

You’re Putting All The Effort Into Dating

Being a part of a couple should mean doing things together, sharing hobbies, and celebrating significant dates. In a committed relationship, both people should take part in making plans. If your partner isn’t doing that, it could be laziness. Maybe he sees that as your job. On the other hand, this can be a good sign that he has checked out of the relationship.

Mutual Friends Start Acting Weird

Sometimes, you’re the last to know. It may be that your shared friends just see something you don’t. Then again, is your partner allowing you to be portrayed as the problem in your relationship? Is he complaining to friends about you and your relationship, but not talking to you about things? If friends clam up around you or things just seem awkward, that lack of usual fun banter could mean they know something that you don’t.

Related Reading: 14 Signs You Should Break Up and 12 Signs You Should Stay With Your Partner

He Picks Fights

Do the littlest things set him off? Is he hypercritical or quick to take offense at things that are objectively inoffensive? If he finds a reason to fight, no matter what you say or do, then he could be baiting you into calling off the relationship.

You Are Losing Emotional Connection Too

He may be done, but you may be subconsciously showing signs your relationship is in trouble too. Does it no longer feel natural to start engaging conversations with him? Have you stopped looking forward to spending time together? Those things point to the fact that you are no longer vulnerable or willing to connect.

He Needs Space Constantly

Everybody needs time for themselves. It’s important for well being, and maintains a sense of independence that is key in a healthy relationship. However, if he is constantly putting distance between you, that is undeniably off putting. Is it even a real relationship if spending time together isn’t a priority? You can be understanding if he is dealing with some tough things, but eventually it becomes obvious that he doesn’t respect what the two of you have.

The Arguments Stop—But Not in a Good Way

Arguments suck, but a lack of them isn’t necessarily a good sign. You have to respect someone and feel close to them in a relationship before you can share your concerns or express anger.

His Energy is Constantly Hostile

You don’t need a psychology degree to determine that something is wrong when a guy’s vibes are constantly hostile and negative. Sometimes, the anger just emanates from him. It may even seem as if the only reason he comes around is to make you feel bad.

Related Reading: Selfish in Relationship Dynamics? Yikes!

He Shrugs Off Conversations About Future Plans

If he doesn’t want to talk about long or short term plans, he may have broken up with you—at least in his own mind. He just doesn’t have an interest in talking about the future, because he doesn’t think you have one. So, what is the point? If he won’t talk about long term plans, it’s time to ask him where his head is at.

There’s another possibility. He’s realized the two of you have different goals, and talking about long term plans just makes him sad.

He’s Constantly on The Computer or Engrossed in His Phone

Yes, most of us are at least a bit addicted to our devices, but this is something different. He’s stopped talking and engaging with you. Every moment seems to be spent on his phone or laptop. Worse, he’s super secretive. These are warning signs that your relationship is in trouble. Although, be very careful about throwing around accusations about cheating. If he is hurting or disappointed, he might shut down completely if you accuse him of something he hasn’t done.

He Weaponizes The Idea of Breaking Up

“Maybe I should just move out! If I’m so terrible, then why are you even in this relationship? Almost everyone says we should breakup, and maybe they’re right!”

If he is quick to bring up the idea of ending things, that makes it clear he has one foot out the door. He just may be hoping you make the final decision. This behavior erodes trust and is quite manipulative. It also kills communication. How can you be honest or speak your mind when he goes right to the nuclear option?

Related Reading: Why Am I Always Mad at My Boyfriend?

You Don’t Have Fun Together

When partners feel comfortable and safe with one another, it shows in their interactions. They can joke around, engage in fun banter, and do things they both enjoy together. When one of you has shut down or given up on the relationship, these things stop happening. Do you find yourself just existing together? That’s one of the warning signs the relationship is over for him.

Everything Seems Worse Than It Should

A sense of doom or foreboding is one of the tell tale signs that he is done. Small arguments or what should be temporary feelings of frustration get blown into something bigger. Even if there is no aggressive or confrontational behavior, you feel a deep emotional pain and worry if this is the end of your relationship.

Can You Stop Him From Losing Interest?

The key signs are there, but you think you and your partner can get back on track. There are no guarantees, but take these steps if you want to make it happen. You can also watch this video by licensed psychotherapist Terri Cole on rekindling the spark in your relationship with lots of great information on the psychology behind losing interest.

Self Care Comes First

You can’t put your time and energy into saving a relationship if you don’t have any emotional reserves left. Stress, arguments, and rejection can be emotionally devastating. Besides, a good partner doesn’t want you to become a shell of yourself. Take time to do positive things that build up your self worth and make you happy. Spend time with friends, engage in your hobbies, exercise, and take care of your health. It’s best for your relationship and your own well being.

Initiate The Difficult Conversation

Nothing will change if neither of you is willing to have a tough conversation. Yes, sharing your thoughts can be difficult, especially when those thoughts are hard to hear and accept. However, the reality is that if your partner refuses to talk, the two of you simply don’t have a future anymore.

Offer to Work With a Therapist or Relationship Coach

Consider looking for an objective third party, like a therapist or licensed clinical psychologist. They can offer solutions that give the two of you a healthy way to get past constant disagreements, learn better communication strategies, and also navigate breaking up without fighting or blame shifting.

Emphasize Accountability

Accountability is important in getting any relationship back on track. Certainly, if you have done things in the past that were hurtful, or have/had behaviors that have caused harm, you need to take ownership of that and make meaningful changes.

That said, no matter how your partner was hurt, they need to take equal responsibility for healthy communication in your relationship. One of the hardest disconnects to recover from is when communication ends because one partner just shuts down. He’ll need to take care of his emotions, acknowledge that not communicating hurts the relationship, and figure out better coping skills.

Consider Restructuring The Relationship

Is your relationship over, or does it just need to change? It’s okay to acknowledge that things have evolved, and neither of you are getting what you want from a relationship. Maybe it’s over, but maybe your shared future just looks different than what you had planned. It’s okay to:

• Date but agree to live separately
• Lengthen an engagement
• Set boundaries around how available you are to one another
• Delay big decisions until you work with a relationship coach to help with underlying issues

The key is to make these decisions with a firm grasp on reality. These options won’t work if one or both of you just want to delay the inevitable or refuse to address your deeper issues.

Related Reading: What to do When There’s no Chemistry in a Relationship

Co-Create Some Goals Together

You might be able to reconnect over the same goals. Talk, and find some things that you both agree to work on for the good of your relationship, or that simply allow you to enjoy positive time together.

Be Willing to Listen to Hard Truths

Sometimes, a man is done when he’s tried sharing thoughts, but feels as if you won’t listen or that you just invalidate what he has to say. That lack of understanding can cause him to think that talking about things doesn’t do any good. Make sure he feels safe talking to you, even when that means getting feedback that isn’t always positive. Yes, it’s extremely tempting to show him what it’s like to get shut out, but that won’t help either of you.

Radical Acceptance: It May be Over No Matter How Much You Problem Solve

If you and your partner love one another, and are able to get back on the same page—amazing! It’s wonderful when you can patch things up and get back to a healthy relationship. That won’t always happen, and that’s okay too, even though it won’t feel okay at all. You cannot force someone else to believe a relationship is worth saving or put in the effort to make that happen. It may be better to release energy you are spending on this out into the world, and simply end the relationship on your terms.