After taking a required Intro to Psychology course as an undergrad, I have never looked back. Since my doctoral program, I have specialized in adult relationship therapy. Through my studies and clinicals, I wrote several articles for professional journals and currently in the midst of writing a book.
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Selfish in Relationship Dynamics? Yikes!
You’ve done it again. Maybe it was a conscious choice. Maybe you didn’t intend to be selfish in your relationship. It’s just that your first instincts are sometimes self-centered. It doesn’t matter. You’ve screwed things up and your partner is justifiably pissed off.
What are you planning to do about it? Maybe you’re here because you’ve noticed some concerning patterns of behavior in yourself? Or perhaps your partner or your partner’s friends seem to be convinced that you are the selfish person in the relationship? Maybe it’s your partner who has the frustrating disease of selfishness. Regardless, it’s important to understand the concept of self centeredness, learn to recognize the signs from yourself and your partner, and work together to create a healthy relationship dynamic.
What Does It Mean to Be a Selfish Person?
A selfish person is described as someone who is concerned only with their own well being, or who has a pattern of prioritizing their personal well being and happiness over the needs of others.
Of course, selfish behavior is often much more than being outright “It’s all about me”. Self centered people are often quiet about their selfish behavior. They’re sprinkling it in so that it simply becomes ‘normal’ in the relationship. But that isn’t really healthy. And that leaves you feeling off balance and doubting your feelings.
You may notice that you always have to adjust your plans to fit their schedule but not the other way around. They may dismiss your opinions, refuse to compromise, and in general just make you feel as if you aren’t important. In really bad situations, if you try to call out the selfish behavior they are showing, they may even turn it around on you and make you feel as if you are the one being self-centered.
Admittedly there are some self centered people in this world who are blatantly unaware of their selfish behaviors. But this doesn’t make it any less of a red flag. It just means they might be more willing to work on doing better to achieve that better balance in your relationship.
What Are the Effects of Being in a Relationship with Someone Self Centered?
“Selfishness destroys relationships. It’s a constant battle of my needs over yours.”
A healthy relationship is all about giving and taking equally. But when someone seems to only care about their own desires, it can leave the partner of that selfish person feeling drained, unappreciated, and even unloved.
It isn’t just frustrating to deal with selfish people. Being in a relationship with somebody who is selfish means that what your partner wants and needs will always be the priority, no matter how much that selfishness hurts you or damages your relationship. Your suffering might include one or all of the following.
Emotional Exhaustion
It’s draining to deal with selfishness. It’s bad enough to feel as though you must remind your partner to consider your feelings and needs. Things are even worse when that partner’s selfish nature is caused by a personality disorder like narcissistic personality or histrionic personality. Because in that case, not only do you never have your needs met in the relationship, your partner may not be capable of caring for their own well being.
Lack of Communication
Why communicate if there are no positive changes? How often do you have to remind your partner to consider you rather than going through life just doing what works for them? Eventually, you just shut down, at least until you are ready to dip out.
Lack of Self Esteem
If the person who is supposed to love you most doesn’t give you a second thought, that can really hit you in your sense of self-worth. You may see other people who don’t have to beg for respect or consideration and wonder why you aren’t worth that same kindness.
Lack of Trust
With selfishness, the only thing you can trust is that your partner wants what they want, and they will always be their own top priority. Even when they promise to do better or do something that seems selfless, you wonder what their true motive is going to be. Sometimes, this lack of trust will bleed over into your relationships with family and friends.
Resentment Towards Your Partner
I have a theory that burnout is about resentment. And you beat it by knowing what it is you’re giving up that makes you resentful.
Marissa Mayer, former Yahoo! CEO
You have tried stating your needs, but the results suck. So, you accept that you are on your own. It may be less frustrating, but the resentment is real.
For example, you are swamped with a big project at work. You’d love for your partner to step it up where household chores are concerned. Unfortunately, you know there’s no point in wishing for what won’t occur, and you don’t have the energy to explain to them that they should contribute. So, you don’t ask. You don’t argue. You just do it all yourself. In return, you get a partner who seemingly has no idea why you’re so angry with them.
It isn’t just the extra work your partner causes for you. By always putting themselves first, they ensure you don’t have the energy for your own needs.
Related reading: 10 Basic Needs in a Relationship: Are You Getting Them Met?
Signs You Are in a Relationship with Someone Who Is Selfish
Nobody is perfect. We all engage in selfish behaviors. A little of it is even healthy for you. But how do you know that the person you are with is in general a selfish person vs. being a person who is sometimes selfish?
They Always Seem to Prioritize Themselves
Their achievements, wants, schedule, needs and more are always more important than whatever it is you have going on. This can manifest in different ways:
- The other person may argue with you whenever you express a need
- Your partner might barrel through life simply making decisions without considering how they impact others
- They may do things that are seemingly nice but have underlying motives that are inherently self-centered
They Feel a Need to Control Everything in the Relationship
Some people are just thoughtless. They stumble into selfishness because other people don’t always ping their emotional radar. Others are so hyperfocused on their own needs that they will control and manipulate so their desires are top priority in your relationship.
They Never Ask How Your Day Is or How You Are in General
A selfish partner isn’t going to check in with you, because what is the point of that? They are too busy focusing on themselves to take interest in you. Also, if they give you an opening to express a need, they may have to deal with the guilt or negative consequences of their selfish behavior. Your partner knows they are better off feigning ignorance.
They Minimize and May Sometimes Even Ruin Your Achievements
Have you ever had a partner pick a fight right before an event that was important to you? Or, they may have gone out of their way to make you feel as if the milestones in your life weren’t as important as you believe. For example, your partner tells you it’s childish to want a birthday celebration, but somehow always manages to make something special happen on their big day.
They Display Lots of Weaponized Incompetence
Weaponized incompetence is intentionally screwing up basic life tasks in hope that the offender isn’t expected to do that work again. The goal is to ensure that you have low expectations of them, realize it is less work to just decide to do things yourself, and give themselves plausible deniability.
If you get frustrated or angry, they act hurt. Maybe you are too picky! Maybe you should have given them detailed instructions on how to make dishes clean or ensure the home they live in doesn’t become a fire hazard.
They Have a Tendency to Interrupt You
No, not the excited kind of disruptions that happen when friends and loved ones are all talking about things that excite them. These are the interruptions that let you know their request, their story, or their problem is certainly more important than yours. And, if they do manage to listen all the way through, they don’t have a valid response. They just jump in with whatever topic of conversation gets the focus back on them.
The Relationship Never Seems to Progress Unless It Is on Their Terms
You want to move in together. Your partner accuses you of trying to control them. Then, their landlord raises their rent. Suddenly, they decide that living together makes perfect sense. Nothing about changing the status quo is of interest to them if they don’t see a direct benefit.
They Never Take Responsibility
Manipulating situations. Twisting the narrative of the story to make them seem like they aren’t in the wrong. All of these things are par for the course when your relationship centers around another person’s selfishness and lack of empathy.
They Dismiss and Belittle You
People who care about you don’t mock you or treat you dismissively because you are upset. They may not understand or remember things the way you do, but they operate from a place of empathy and kindness.
For instance, a conversation with a selfish friend or family member might include these statements:
- That’s not what went down. Stop being so dramatic!
- Nobody else in this family is harping on this.
If you are engaging with someone who respects and cares about you a conversation is more likely to leave you feeling validated.
- I know we remember things differently, but I care about how we feel. Let’s talk about this.
- I see this is really impacting you. How can I support you?
They Have a Tendency to Be Impulsive
Not all impulsiveness is self-centered, but it can be. If someone is impulsive, they are fine with making rash decisions without giving a bit of thought to how that might impact others. They may spend money without discussing it with you, or engage in other reckless behaviors.
Related reading: What Is a Guilt Trip in Relationships
What Can You Do to Deal with a Selfish Partner?
You may have to make some difficult decisions if you are in a relationship with a self-centered individual. You may need to demand changes to ensure life gets better. Or you may need to realize that there are some relationship ending deal breakers that you just can’t get past. Remember that you can’t control another person’s selfishness. But you can control what you’re willing to endure in a relationship with someone else.
Establish a Genuine Line of Communication
Direct communication can cure selfishness. Don’t leave room for interpretation. That will just enable them to say you didn’t tell them how you feel or what you want. It’s okay to state your needs and expectations. They may step up to the plate. If not, they will have to be honest and acknowledge they are choosing selfishness.
Set Firm and Clear Boundaries
Setting boundaries is hard, but so rewarding when you do. Remember that boundaries are about your behaviors. Set clear boundaries to show what you will and won’t accept. Then, stand by them.
For example, if you are in a relationship with somebody who expects you to be available at the last minute, let them know you won’t be doing that anymore. Tell them if they don’t contact you about plans at least a day in advance, you are going to do something without them.
Encourage Them to Be Empathetic
Make them tell you how you feel when they hurt you. For example, “How do you think it made me feel when you decided to spend 500 dollars of our shared savings on a weekend golf outing, without consulting me?”
Just be aware that other people aren’t your projects to fix. It’s one thing to encourage them to make connections between their efforts and your feelings. It’s another to do the work that should have happened with someone’s family or a good therapist.
Practice Self Care
If you don’t take care of yourself, that might subtly encourage selfishness in the other person. They may assume you are unbothered or hyper independent. Many women take on the emotional labor in relationships and households and their family members just assume they don’t need the support. Show empathy to yourself and it might benefit your relationships.
Consider Seeking Out Professional Intervention
Counseling can really benefit a relationship. If nothing else, it can help you find a sense of peace, even if it means ending a marriage or friendship. It’s also possible that selfishness is the result of past trauma or mental illness. A good counselor will recognize the signs of that.
Model The Kind of Behaviors You Want to See
Selfishness can breed more selfishness. Two people can get caught up in a cycle of resentment and negative emotions. Rather than showing empathy or doing things differently, each of you doubles down on selfishness because you perceive that’s what the other person will do as well.
Be Ready to Make Some Tough Decisions If You Have To
Self centered behaviors aren’t going to just magically disappear, and many of us understand this. However if it gets to a point where you feel as if you are trying everything and getting nothing in return it may be time to consider walking away from the relationship entirely.
Related reading: 14 Signs You Should Break Up and 12 Signs You Should Stay With Your Partner
Geoffrey Williams
