After taking a required Intro to Psychology course as an undergrad, I have never looked back. Since my doctoral program, I have specialized in adult relationship therapy. Through my studies and clinicals, I wrote several articles for professional journals and currently in the midst of writing a book.
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Quality Time—It’s a Love Language
There’s a song by the Extreme called “More Than Words.” If you haven’t ever heard it, have a listen right now. The song’s point is this: Words are not enough to show love. Love language is about far more than just words. It’s about behavior and actions – especially when we refer to quality time love language in relationships.
These behaviors and actions can mean many things – going out of your way to do nice things for your partner, finding ways to make your partner’s life easier, or even something as minor as cooking a nice dinner. All these things together mean a great time together.
But did you know that spending quality time with your partner is a type of love language all on its own? Let’s see how you can introduce quality time love language into your daily life.
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What Are Love Languages?
We usually think of languages in terms of spoken and written words. But the languages of love are not those kinds. According to Gary Chapman, author of the book, The 5 Love Languages, there are five ways that people give and receive love to and from someone else:
- Physical touch – the most visual and observable love language
- Giving and receiving small gifts – read more about this love language in this article
- Performing acts of service
- Words of affirmation (the one actual verbal love language)
- Giving and receiving quality time with your partner
Chapman says we all have a preferred love language. And among them, quality time together is a significant type of five love languages, even though not the only one possible.
Chapman emphasizes that two people do not always have the same love language, so each partner should express love differently.
When we understand our partner’s love language of preference, we can show our love for them in their primary love language. And it’s just as important for us to share what we believe. This action makes us feel most loved so our partner can “speak” to us in that language.
But these five love languages should be tempered a bit by what psychological researchers say too. Some studies highlight the importance of quality time spent together as the biggest key to relationship success. So, the love language of quality time could be the first thing you may want to look at for relationship satisfaction- thus, the point of this article.
Related reading: Dating vs Relationship – What Are the Main Differences Between Them?
Quality Time Love Language vs Just Spending Time Together
Have you ever felt disconnected from someone you’re in the same room with? That’s the difference that matters for quality time.
We’re all busy. And our romantic relationships become dull over time in our fast-paced world. You two may be physically sharing the same space and even spend time doing things, but that doesn’t mean you are fully present. You may want more quality time, but life just gets in the way – and you’re missing it, no matter how often you see each other.
When we refer to the love language, “quality” means being emotionally present and aware of the person around. And if you want things to change from being just physically present and make your time more meaningful, here is what exactly you can do to ensure your love language is quality time:
- Schedule dedicated one-on-one time to be together when no one else is involved
- Turning off your cell phones to avoid distractions from these devices
- Spending uninterrupted time doing something together – it can be almost anything
- Engaging in active listening, maintaining eye contact, and focusing on what each other says
- Having alone time together to speak love without words – just enjoying meaningful time and each other’s presence
- Being fully mentally present with all potential distractions eliminated
This way, you can start giving undivided attention only to each other and ensure your love language is quality time.
What Do Quality Time Love Language Activities Look Like?
In essence, quality time activities look like almost anything. The point is that they involve time spent together engaged in quality conversation or conversation with other activities.
Related reading: Out with the Cliché Second Date Ideas
When your love language is quality time, it doesn’t mean your activities must always be serious and romantic. In practice, couples might do any of the following to make a partner feel heard:
- Pursuing a new hobby together
- Going out to a nice dinner at a quiet restaurant
- Spending quality time in conversation to give each other undivided attention
- Staying at home to watch a movie together
- Having fun playing board games.
- Engaging in physical activities together – whether a quiet walk, talking along the way, or sharing gym time.
- Going out for coffee together and people-watching from your outside table
- Making each other feel special even when at social gatherings that involve others
- Schedule regular date nights that are not to be canceled unless there is a solid, compelling reason
As should be obvious, the language of quality time can take so many forms. What it takes most of all is a commitment on the part of the partners to focus on each other more and their daily lives and distractions a bit less. How do they do this? Let’s discover in the section below.
9 Questions to Ensure the Time You Spend Together Is Quality Time
The activities listed above are ways to spend quality time and feel connected to significant others. But how to make sure your connection strengthens if you cannot measure quality by the time spent together?
Whenever in doubt, ask yourself these questions as you are spending quality time with your partner:
- Do they have my undivided attention? And do I have theirs?
- Do I feel heard when I speak? Do I not lose sight of the importance that my partner feels heard too?
- Is our date night activity quality time that we see as a wonderful way to enhance our connection?
- Do we talk about what quality time together looks like?
- If we are in a long-distance relationship, have we agreed upon what quality time means to us and how we will spend time together in our relationship, if only digitally?
- Are we giving our partner quality time willingly or are we sometimes resentful that we could be spending time on something more pressing now? Love language is quality time that is given without reservation. If this isn’t the case, it’s not quality time.
- Do we talk about what makes each of us feel loved? Just talking about these things is giving our partner quality time.
- If your partner’s love language of preference differs from quality time, do you spend quality time with them talking about it and how each of you can honor the preferences of the other? This discussion is in itself quality time. the point is you have dedicated time together full of meaningful talk that improves your relationship. Communication is key in any relationship.
- Do you add enough fun to your quality time together? Having dedicated time just to laugh and enjoy all that life has to offer is putting in healthy quality time and showing love.
Related reading: Does Distance Really Make the Heart Grow Fonder?
How the Love Language of Quality Time Meshes with Different Love Languages
Your primary love language is quality time. So, you have those date nights with deep conversations and a cell phone switched off. You give your person full attention, and they do the same; you have eye contact that says I am listening to you. You focus on what each other would like to do together, and your communication is honest and genuine.
What would you have if this was all there was to your relationship? Maybe enough time together. And yes, meaningful communication. But what about the other love languages? Let’s check what to do when your language is quality time and it combines with other love languages.
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Affirming Words
You can combine quality time with words of affirmation easily. Imagine you and your love have gone out to dinner. Your partner is excited to spend this quality time with you because they want to tell you some exciting news. They have received a promotion to a position they have long been for. You are all ears, listening intently.
When you hear their news, what is your response? Of course, it is filled with those affirming words that everyone wants to hear. How happy and proud you are that their hard work and effort have paid off.
In your praise, you are totally engaged in affirming words. And if it is your partner’s love language, you should pay attention to your verbal demonstration of love more often than you are now.
Physical Touch
What is a relationship without physical intimacy? From holding hands on a walk to passionate love in the bedroom, physical touch makes both of you feel loved.
And you can make a partner whose love language is physical touch even more loved by including wonderful love-making into your quality time. Just like in the case of words of affirmation, involve physical touch whenever you spend quality time with your partner – and witness how love blossoms between you.
Related reading: How to Be a Better Lover – Inside and Out
Giving and Receiving Gifts
This is how you can combine quality time with gift-giving to ensure your partner doesn’t feel disconnected. You have been away on a trip. And you are now having one of your date nights. You look across the dinner table at your love, make eye contact, and pull a small gift from your pocket. In the middle of your quality time together, you are giving a gift, another language of love.
Just bring something small and meaningful whenever you’re about to spend quality time with your partner – and of course, be ready to receive gifts from these generous souls!
Performing Acts of Service
You may have a partner whose love language is supporting putting effort into being of service. Now that may include being of service to you, of course.
They do those little things that make your life easier and less stressful. For example, they cook your favorite meal and see that your coffee is made in the morning. This is how they give love to another person and how they would like to receive love. So consider this in your quality time sessions together.
You can even plan an altruistic activity together, considering that their need to be of service spreads out to other loved ones and causes close to their heart. Share this experience – maybe they tutor children in poor neighborhoods, volunteer in a soup kitchen, or love spending time on animal rights or environmental activism. You can honor this language of love your partner has by adding quality time to that language.
Share a significant moment with your loved ones and join them in volunteer work and/or activism. Now you have combined the two love languages.
Let’s Recap: How to Treat Your Partners in Relationships and Seize the Moment
Do you know what your primary language of love preference is? Does your partner know theirs? As you have read through this article, you can analyze these.
If you want a more specific analysis, here is a chart you can both study. And it’s quite possible that neither one of you will fit neatly into a box of one of these love languages. But the real point here is that both you and your partner take a look at how you can communicate your needs and desires to one another and be committed to mutually meeting those needs.
Geoffrey Williams
