Love kinda happens in stages. People meet: they are attracted to each other, start dating, move into a relationship of romantic love. And during this honeymoon phase, they are almost attached at the hip. This means holding hands wherever they go, calling and texting at all hours of the day and night, and being together as much as possible. Can you even image there can be any signs you’re not really in love when it starts so?
Unfortunately, it happens. As the relationship grows, you need to make a long-term commitment and mature into a more “settled” relationship. There will appear meaningful conversations about the future, need to support each other’s dreams and goals, and necessity to acknowledge your partners’ interests and activities apart from you.
To work toward your journey together at this stage, you’ll need common ground in this quest. This should be an emotional and physical connection that transcends any issues or challenges they may have. There should be love.
Do you have it? Check out these 10 signs you’re not really in love to know for sure!
When It Somehow Goes Wrong
We are not always sure why people fall out of love and when that romantic relationship begins to fizzle out. We just feel something is not right, and that’s enough for us to worry.
There are many ways you may feel you’re not on the same page. Maybe you feel stuck; maybe you think “Is this all there is?”; maybe your current lovemate just isn’t everything you want anymore. Whatever the underlying reasons, if you are in doubt, there is a high chance you just are not in love anymore.
But what’s your typical reaction if you want to be, especially if you have invested time and energy into the relationship? Mostly, you’ll be forcing yourself to stay when you’re just not “feeling it” anymore. If this is the case, it’s only a matter of time before you leave your partner. And the longer you wait, the most of these signs you’re not really in love reveal themselves.
Related reading: 3 Types of Love – Which One Is Yours?
10 Signs You May Not Really Be in Love
For the well-being of both of you, you should take a look at all these signs that you may not be in love anymore. If it looks like what you currently have in your relationship, it’s time to call it quits. So, ready, set, go! Here are those signs.
1. Communication Slows Down
“When you don’t get upset if that so-called special person in your life doesn’t call or text…you’re not in love with them and honestly, they probably aren’t either. That’s a true sign that you don’t care. He or she is not significant enough in your life or you may not be in theirs either.”
Gayle Jones-Carter, life coach
We’re not talking only about your communication with them. When your relationship was new, you both called and messaged a lot. You couldn’t wait to hear from each other. “How’s your day going?”, “What are you doing right now? I’m sitting here thinking about you,” or “Can’t wait to see you tonight.” Typical when love is new and hot.
Now, though, if you’re not living together, and you don’t get a call or a text, even for a couple of days, it’s not bothering you. This is a big red flag and a pretty good sign that you really don’t care about your partner anymore.
If you’re living together, and the relationship is still going strong, you probably don’t expect lots of calls and texts. But when you do get one that says they’re working late or going out with friends after work, how do you feel about that? Do you want to know what time they’ll be home? Do you want to know where they are going? Do you offer to hold off dinner until they get home? No? Instead, you almost feel a sense of relief that you have some more time alone without them. Welp!
Related reading: 9 Stages of a Dying Marriage
2. You Find Yourself Enjoying Time Without Them
Couples who are truly in love relish spending time together. But now spending time together almost feels like a chore or an obligation when you:
- Find yourself hoping they will be too busy to see you
- Are missing your single life
- Prefer being with friends
- Deliberately work late when there is no need
- Fake not feeling well so you don’t have to see them
- Can just be alone in your own digs without them
If you were really in love, you would want to spend time with your partner. Spending time together is a huge part of a relationship that includes real love for your partner. But wanting more and more time without them shows you are no longer that interested, your feelings have changed, and you are thinking that life without them might be a better idea.
3. You Find Yourself Trashing Your Partner to Others
“If you feel like you are actively finding ways to be without your significant other, your feelings for that person have clearly changed. You might be longing for someone or something else.”
Holly Schiff, licensed clinical psychologist
It’s normal to have disagreements with your partner. But if instead of working through them with that partner, you take those issues to friends and family members and vent your frustrations and criticisms, you are not in a normal love relationship.
If you don’t even care to address your negative feelings and issues with your partner, you really have no desire or interest in fixing them. What you really are looking for is support and justification to end the relationship.
4. The Little Things Become Big Things
When you are in love with your partner, the little things that you may find irritating are often treated with humor. These things are not a big deal to you, and you may tease or chide them about these small flaws:
- not putting the cap back on the toothpaste,
- leaving dirty dishes in the sink,
- being consistently late for dates or
- forgetting to charge their phone.
When the small things become big things, you are probably no longer in love. Once they become the source of big irritations and arguments, you need to seriously re-evaluate your relationship status. You are paying less attention to the positives in your relationship and more attention to even the small issues. And the words you are using to address them are more negative and accusatory.
5. You Are Relieved When They Cancel Plans
“It starts to never be a problem or issue if dates and promises are broken with each other. When you’re so nonchalant about them not showing up for the important things, you’re clocking out on your love.”
So, you’ve made weekend plans – maybe a short road trip, a family event, or a get-together with friends. For whatever reason, your partner cancels. If instead of being upset that your plans are ruined, you actually have feelings of relief that you can be on your own instead, you have a clear sign that you are no longer in love.
You are actually looking forward to having time without your partner around. This isn’t normal for a love relationship and, deep down inside, you know it. You may not be willing to admit it openly, but any relationship expert will tell you, it’s a clear sign.
6. You Find Yourself Comparing Your Partner to Others
“You find yourself comparing them to every potential you could have if you weren’t with them…You begin to believe that any relationship could be better than the one you’re in.”
Rachel D’Angelo, communication and relatability expert
It’s a big world out there. And there are all kinds of opportunities for you to observe others of the opposite sex. And as you observe them, you begin to make comparisons with your current partner, and your partner ends up falling short.
The very fact that you are engaging in these comparisons is a red flag. And if these are your feelings right now, it’s really time to end the relationship with this person you are with so that both of you can move on. Why prolong the pain?
Related reading: Dealing With Double Standards in Relationships
7. You Begin to Think of Your Future in Terms of “I”
“In a loving relationship, you are a unit and the future has the two of you together. If someone starts making plans as an ‘I’ versus a ‘we,‘ there’s a problem.”
Rachel DeAlto, relationship expert
We all think about the future and what that should look like. When you think about yours, is your partner a key element in your plans or not? One of the signs of falling out of love is that you are thinking in terms of “I”, not “We.”
When you fall out of love with someone, this is exactly how you are thinking. You have no interest in including them in your plans. You no longer feel that you are in a partnership planning for a long-term together.
8. It’s Just Not Fun Anymore
Remember when your love was new and exciting? You and your partner wanted to do everything together. Your feelings were on overdrive. They were the person you wanted to do everything with.
The love with your partner was clear to everyone. Dating was fun; the connection was clear via the PDA you showed. In fact, people in other relationships notice and might have even expressed a bit of jealousy about the feeling you are showing for each other.
But now, you have come to notice that this person no longer brings you the joy they used to. As partners, you are not sharing those happy fun times, and, frankly, you are no longer interested in doing that. When the fun ends, you are definitely falling out of love. And you may be looking for fun relationships somewhere else.
9. You Shut Them Out
You used to have important conversations with this significant other. You talked about your dreams and goals; they shared theirs. Now, the reality is that you don’t have those conversations anymore.
Instead, you fall into talking about mundane things that are just details of life, not those things that will develop and enhance your relationship. Those conversations you are either reserving for your friends or family or simply not having with anyone.
The best advice here? Take the lead and decide that this partner is not right for you. Break off the relationship before there will be more pain than necessary. This is not that special someone you once had such strong feelings for.
10. Physical and Emotional Intimacy Have Steadily Declined
“If emotional intimacy is lacking, [one or both of you] may feel a lack of safety, love, support, and overall connection, and it also will most likely affect the physical bonding in a romantic connection. It’s not sustainable long-term to have a romantic relationship without emotional intimacy.”
Rachel Wright, licensed therapist and marriage counselor
There’s a lot of research on the importance of intimacy in a relationship. And the point that is always made is this: for a relationship to be strong and healthy, there must be an emotional intimacy that leads to physical intimacy too.
When you are falling out of love, you lose concern for the intimate connection that you may have once had with this other person. And as this cited research shows, once the emotional bonding is gone, the physical will quickly follow.
What’s Next for You?
Once you realize all the signs that you are falling out of love, you don’t need relationship experts to explain your feelings to you. You know it. So, what will you do now?
If you know you are falling out of love, you owe it to yourself and to your partner, to be honest. Chances are they have already felt it and maybe they have been falling out of love too. And both of you are hesitating to bring up the issue, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, it’s hard to admit that a relationship has died.
Falling out of love is not the end. It is a new beginning. Once you admit it and take the right steps to end the relationship, you have the rest of your life in front of you.
