After a devastating relationship breakup, I threw myself into the dating scene by registering on Hily. I had over 100 dates - some absolute disasters, some pretty average, and some that were actually great. So many stories to tell and insights to share with you guys!
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9 Things You Can’t Forgive in a Relationship
All people tend to make mistakes and regret them later in life; no one is perfect. While building a meaningful relationship, you and your partner will likely make wrong things – some of these mistakes will be easy to fix; others will be hard. But how do you know if they fall into the category of things you can’t forgive in a relationship?
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Our answer is simple: check out the list of the following situations! If one happens in your life, consider this a serious problem for your relationship.
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Every relationship has its rough patches. Arguments happen, words get said in the heat of the moment, and neither of you is going to get everything right all the time. But there is a difference between the kind of mistakes you work through together and the things you can’t forgive in a relationship, no matter how much you care. Knowing where that line is can save you from spending years in something that quietly takes more than it gives.
When Physical or Emotional Harm Crosses the Line
Physical Abuse
If your partner has hit, kicked, slapped, scratched, bitten or physically hurt you in any way, that is not something you should accept or return to. One incident does not guarantee it was the last. Physical violence in relationships tends to escalate over time, not resolve on its own, and the longer you stay, the harder it becomes to leave.
The same applies to behaviors that might not leave visible marks: shaking, hair pulling, burning, suffocating or blocking exits. These are all forms of abuse. The fact that you care deeply about someone does not change that reality.
If you are experiencing this, remind yourself that the abuse is not your fault. You deserve a relationship built on safety, not fear.
Related reading: Is it Normal for My Girlfriend to Hit Me?
Emotional Abuse
Emotional harm can be harder to identify, especially when it builds slowly. If your partner constantly puts you down, tells you that you are not good enough, yells at you in degrading ways, manipulates your decisions or makes you feel small on a regular basis, that is emotional abuse.
Victims of verbal abuse often struggle more than those experiencing physical harm, because it is harder to recognize, harder to explain to others and harder to get support for. If your partner’s words consistently leave you feeling diminished, that pattern matters.
Related reading: Vulnerability in Relationships: How to Be More Open
Harm to Children
If your partner has hurt your children in any way, physically, emotionally or in terms of their safety, that is an absolute dealbreaker. Your children’s wellbeing comes before anything else, without exception.
| Behavior | Why It Is Unforgivable |
|---|---|
| Physical abuse | Escalates over time and puts your physical safety at serious risk |
| Emotional abuse | Erodes self-worth gradually and causes long-term psychological harm |
| Harm to children | Children’s safety is non-negotiable in any circumstance |
Cheating, Lying and Financial Betrayal
These three issues look different on the surface, but they share one core element: all three involve a deliberate choice to deceive.
Cheating
Infidelity is one of the most common reasons relationships end. When a partner cheats, they break the trust that holds everything else together. Some couples choose to work through it, and that is a valid path. But for many people, it remains something that cannot simply be undone, regardless of how sincere the apology sounds afterward.
Related reading: Forgiving a Cheater: Can You Do It?
Pathological Lying
Trust is the foundation of any real relationship. A partner who lies habitually, especially about things that affect you directly such as finances, their past, their whereabouts or their intentions, makes it nearly impossible to feel safe. Occasional dishonesty is human. Chronic deception is a pattern, and patterns do not fix themselves.
Financial Infidelity
Financial infidelity happens when one partner hides money, secret debt or significant spending from the other. It is a serious breach of trust with real consequences. A shared life involves a shared financial reality, and concealing that creates a separate, hidden life within the relationship.
Control, Jealousy and Boundary Violations
These patterns tend to start small. One comment here, one rule there. Over time, they can reshape how you see yourself and what you believe you are allowed to do.
Obsessive Control
A controlling partner may dictate your wardrobe, your friendships, your schedule or how you spend your time and money. This is not protectiveness. It is a gradual removal of your independence, and it often becomes more intense the longer the relationship continues.
Related reading: 11 Warning Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend
Unreasonable Jealousy
Some jealousy exists in almost every relationship, and that is normal. But when it becomes excessive, it stops being a feeling and turns into a tool. Obsessive jealousy leads to monitoring, isolation and constant accusations that wear down your confidence and your sense of freedom.
Related reading: What Is Retroactive Jealousy and How to Overcome It
Repeated Boundary Violations
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect for each person’s limits. When a partner repeatedly crosses your personal, emotional or physical boundaries after you have clearly communicated them, they are sending a signal: your comfort does not factor into their decisions.
Related reading: Boundaries in Relationships: Keeping Them Healthy
Recognizing these behaviors early matters. Here are the warning signs to watch across all three areas:
- Your partner tracks your location or messages without your consent
- You feel afraid to express opinions or make plans independently
- Your personal boundaries are dismissed, minimized or repeatedly ignored
- Jealousy is used to justify isolation or monitoring your social life
- You find yourself walking on eggshells to avoid triggering a reaction
8 Things to Consider Before You Decide to Forgive
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Forgiveness is a deeply personal decision. It is also separate from the decision to stay or leave. Before you choose, it helps to be honest with yourself about a few key questions:
- How serious was the behavior, and was it a one-time incident or part of a recurring pattern?
- Does your partner take genuine responsibility, or do they minimize and deflect blame?
- Do they show real remorse, or are they focused mostly on managing your reaction?
- Are they willing to change in a meaningful, consistent way over time?
- Is trust something that can realistically be rebuilt between the two of you?
- Do you feel physically and emotionally safe in the relationship right now?
- Does the relationship bring more genuine connection into your life than it brings pain?
- Are you choosing to stay because you want to, or because leaving feels too difficult?
There is no universal answer. What matters is that your decision comes from a clear-eyed view of the situation, not from fear, pressure or the hope that things will simply improve on their own.
Forgiveness, if and when you reach it, is for you. It is a way of releasing what happened so it does not continue to define you. It does not mean overlooking harm, accepting repeated behavior or staying in something that hurts you. Your safety and self-respect come first.
FAQ
What are the most common unforgivable things in a relationship?
Physical and emotional abuse, infidelity, habitual lying and obsessive control are among the most cited. These behaviors share one thing: they break the trust and safety a relationship depends on to function.
Is cheating always unforgivable in a relationship?
Not for everyone. Some couples work through infidelity and rebuild trust over time. Others find it is something they genuinely cannot move past. Both responses are valid. There is no single right answer, only the one that is honest for you.
Can a relationship survive financial infidelity?
It depends on the level of deception and whether both partners are willing to address it openly. Full financial transparency and a genuine commitment to rebuilding trust are essential starting points. It requires real effort from both sides, not just one.
What is the difference between a mistake and something unforgivable?
Mistakes tend to be isolated, acknowledged honestly and followed by genuine effort to change. Unforgivable behaviors are usually repeated, minimized or accompanied by a pattern of disrespect, harm or deliberate deception.
How do I know if I should forgive something or walk away?
Consider whether you feel safe, whether real change is realistic and whether the relationship adds more to your life than it takes. You can forgive someone internally without choosing to remain in the relationship with them.
Shelly Standford
