10 Signs You Are Not Valued in a Relationship

When you’re in a relationship, you should expect some balance of give and take. You don’t mind doing things for your partner to show that you care, but it’s normal to expect the same in return. When your partner dismisses your efforts or puts you last, you wonder how they really feel. Are you in a healthy relationship at all? And if you feel uncomfortable, maybe it’s time to see if you resonate with these 10 signs you are not valued in a relationship.

I Don’t Feel Appreciated. Is It Over? Maybe Not!

You’re feeling unappreciated, and that really sucks. But don’t make any drastic decisions just yet.

Sometimes, lack of communication, stress, and other factors can take an emotional toll. You and your partner may be able to work through this and regain authentic, relationship satisfaction.

If you would like to try to salvage this partnership, there are some things you can do to communicate with your partner, have your concerns heard, and achieve happiness together.

10 Signs You Don’t Get The Appreciation You Deserve

“As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

John F. Kennedy, 35th U.S. President

You haven’t been feeling valued. Is it just you, or are you onto something? Here are some sure signs that you aren’t being respected the way you should be.

1. Your Partner Lacks Appreciation

As a child, you were probably told that the words “please” and “thank you” were considered to be magic words. This is true even as an adult, and they can even hold a much stronger meaning. When it comes to a romantic relationship and emotional well-being, knowing that your efforts are noticed and hearing those simple terms leaves many feeling appreciated.

However, one of the first signs you are not valued in a relationship is a distinct lack of that appreciation. You may go above and beyond for your partner, offering your own form of emotional support, making their favorite meals, and ultimately putting your all into the relationship.

When feeling unappreciated, you are often left feeling undervalued. This is not something that is exclusive to either gender. Both men and women have moments where they are left feeling unappreciated, and stereotypical gender roles can play a huge part in this kind of dynamic. This can lead to feelings of self doubt and resentment that can ultimately explode later in the relationship.

2. Your Partner Won’t Ask for Advice From You

Even stubbornly independent people will ask for advice from time to time. If your partner never asks for yours, they may not view your relationship as important or serious.

When somebody values you, they also value your past life experience and insights. The fact that your partner doesn’t include you on the list of people they consult for advice is a clear sign that this is probably a casual connection for them.

3. You Find Yourself in Pleasing Mode

“The fawn response is usually demonstrated by people who have been exposed to repeated traumatic events, as opposed to a one-time traumatic event such as a car crash or bad breakup. Fawning is most commonly associated with childhood trauma, relational trauma, and complex trauma—such as ongoing partner violence. Complex trauma can become even more problematic when coupled with the collective trauma that occurs from experiences like the COVID-19 pandemic.”

Alex Bachert, MPH

One of the biggest “tells” that your partner takes you for granted is in your own behavior. When you don’t feel appreciated and are never prioritized, that can do a number on your self-esteem. You feel unloved, unworthy, and maybe as if you have done something wrong.

So, you start doing things to “earn” your partner’s love, respect, and attention:

• Silently accept rude or inconsiderate behavior
• Buy gifts for them when they don’t reciprocate
• Make yourself available for sex when you don’t want to be
• Shower them with compliments
• Constantly ask if you have done something wrong

You shouldn’t have to earn love and affection. Fawning is also a trauma response. If you feel safe, communicate that you are feeling unappreciated. If you don’t, seek help from a friend or other trusted person to exit this relationship. Get professional intervention if you need to.

Related reading: Values in a Relationship to Share

4. They Don’t Celebrate Occasions

Do these scenarios sound familiar to you? If so, it unlikely that you are in a healthy relationship.

Scenario #1: Your partner has a milestone birthday. You reach out to their friends and family to send invitations, cook their favorite meal and order a beautiful cake. You clean the house and throw the party. Then, when you’re birthday rolls around, you get a card and a token gift. You mention that you feel unappreciated, and they tell you that you are the one who decided to all out. They don’t really “celebrate” that stuff.

Scenario #2: It’s a meaningful anniversary day for you and your partner. You make reservations. They show up late, play on their phone during dinner, and cut things short to go hang out with their friends. When they see you are visibly upset, they say, “Hey, I just don’t really care about special occasions.”

Should your partner have the same feelings of enthusiasm that you do over birthdays or other special events? No, but part of being in a committed relationship is reciprocating when someone makes an effort for you. It certainly includes being fully present and making your partner feel valued when they put in a lot of work.

5. Your Partner Won’t Ask for Your Opinion

Do you and your partner talk about important issues? Or they know how you feel about current events, politics, or even family issues? Do they care?

The two of you don’t have to agree on things all of the time. That’s not the concern here. It’s that you are not having serious conversations with one another, or you are so taken for granted that your partner doesn’t bother to understand your thoughts and feelings.

6. They Are Dismissive of Your Feelings

Here are the signs your partner is dismissive of your feelings:

• You find yourself feeling sad, overlooked, and unappreciated
• You feel lonely
• Your partner continually does and says things that upset you
• They prioritize their friendships, but never your relationship
• They do things that inconvenience you
• When you express how this makes you feel, they dismiss your emotions
• Your partner tells you that you are being dramatic or making a big deal out of nothing
• If they do apologize, they don’t change their behavior

Someone who cares about you and appreciate you will make you feel good. When they find out they’ve hurt your feelings, they’ll want to fix that, not dismiss your feelings.

7. Your Partner Makes Plans Without Asking You

People in a relationship don’t lose their independence. You don’t need to be in lockstep all of the time. Still, when you are each an important part of the other’s lives, you don’t make big plans without consulting the other person.

Does your partner make big life decisions, and then only inform you as an afterthought? They may feel affectionate towards you, but you aren’t a key player in their life.

What about their free time? If they don’t share their quality time with you, that should tell you everything you need to know.

8. Your Availability Is Expected But They Don’t Reciprocate

Sometimes you aren’t just taken for granted. You are also expected treat your partner as a top priority, even when they don’t treat you the same way.

How do you go about recognizing this pattern? Here are some signs:

• They ignore your texts but get upset when they don’t hear from you right away
• Your asking about your partner’s plans is treated as nagging, but you are made to feel guilty if you don’t run your plans by them.
• You are expected to spend time with them when they want, but have to wait for them to give you the time of day.

Try setting boundaries. Have a conversation and tell your partner that you aren’t going to be subjected to relationship rules they won’t follow themselves.

Related reading: How to Know Whether Your Date Is a Player

9. The Division of Labor Is Always Unbalanced

“Research (most of which has involved heterosexual couples) suggests that even when women work outside the home, they are still shouldering more of the household load. And that affects their mental health, their partner’s mental health, and the state of their relationship. But it turns out the story is even more complicated than this: It’s not just the actual division of labor that seems to matter, but also partners’ beliefs about what it is and should be. Understanding this could have important implications for couples, helping them to better negotiate household labor and enjoy happier and healthier marriages.”

Jill Suttie, Psy.D

When it comes to marital satisfaction, household chores are a big deal. Nothing can make you feel taken for granted like an unfair division of labor. A partner who appreciates you will step up and do their share.

One issue that you may face in your relationship is a lack of ownership from your partner over shared responsibilities. This can be difficult topic of conversation. Because, there is usually more to this than whether the person you are in a relationship with does chores around the house.

Instead, you feel unappreciated and feel disrespected because all of the emotional labor of planning and household management is simply presumed to be your responsibility.

Ask yourself a few questions about your relationship with your partner:

• Do they need to be provided with a list of chores or tasks that should be done?
• Are you responsible or planning everything?
• What would happen if you simply stopped taking care of things?
• When somethings “comes up” is it presumed to be your responsibility?

10. Your Partner Dismisses What’s Important to You

Ask yourself this questions about your partner:

• Do they care about things that matter to you?
• Do they remember what your interests are?
• Does the person you are with know your favorite book and author?
• Do they know your favorite TV show?
• Do they remember that you cherish spending Sunday mornings having coffee with your best friend?
• Do they remember that you have a 2-hour long phone call with your mom on Sundays?
• What about your dreams and aspirations?
• Do they complain about your wasting time and money on your interests while demanding that you respect theirs?

More importantly, do they value your ability to enjoy these things? Or, do they criticize and disrupt you? They don’t need to participate in every interest you have, but the raw truth is that they should care enough to know.

7 Steps to Achieving Satisfying Relationships Where You Feel Loved

You deserve to feel valued. If your partner fails to consider your feelings, you may start questioning the future of your relationship. Still, you want to focus on fixing things before you ever consider giving up.

1. Step Back and Take Care of Yourself

Self-care is important for many reasons. It’s great for your physical and mental health. You deserve to invest in your well-being. Nobody makes you feel special the way that you make yourself feel special.

Most importantly, self-care is a crucial way to show others how to treat you. You cannot neglect yourself and then make a case that other people should treat you better.

Related reading: How to Know Your Worth

2. Model What You Want

You’re feeling frustrated with your partner. It’s tempting to withdraw emotionally or treat them the way they’ve been treating you. But, relationships have never been made better through acts of revenge or attempts to even the score.

This is the time to stop and examine your own behavior and interactions with your partner. Are you making an effort to show appreciation and consideration in your relationship? It’s okay if you have been. It’s common for both partners to be guilty of taking the other for granted. That happens in times of stress or when your schedules are too busy to make time for one another. You can be the one to take the lead and set the tone for this part of your relationship.

3. Set a Time to Talk When You Both Feel Comfortable

Once again you’ve been left not feeling valued or appreciated. You are at the end of your rope, and ready to fight. It’s so tempting to give your partner a piece of your mind so they realize that this relationship is on the rocks.

You could do this, but there is a very good chance that your partner is just going to feel attacked. Let things cool down. Get past your initial emotions, and wait until both of you are feeling calm. Then, start the conversation about lack of appreciation and respect in your relationship. Then you’re most likely to be heard.

4. Use I and Me Language

When you use words like I and me, your partner is less likely to feel criticized. They’re going to be more receptive to what you say, and that keeps communication between the two of you productive.

5. Encourage Your Partner to Share Too

Remember that this is a conversation, not a lecture. Tell them how they make you feel, but ask them to share their thoughts too. Ideally, both of you feel respected and understood at the end of the conversation.

Also, when you frame things this way, you are taking responsibility for your feelings. If you need to set some boundaries, you are in a better position to do that. Because you are already speaking in terms of your feelings and your needs.

6. It’s Okay to Ask for What You Want

What gives you the feeling that you are appreciated? How can your partner show their recognition for things you do for them? It is okay to express what you want in your relationships. Even if past partners have made you feel guilty for prioritizing your needs, you should be able to ask for what you need.

For example, is it important for you to have the people in your life celebrate your events and milestones? Say so! The more your lover understands what you want, the better they can act to make you feel appreciated.

Related reading: Expectations in a Relationship

7. Acknowledge Socialization and Personality But Don’t Accept That as an Excuse

Communication style, the way we express gratitude, and other things are influenced by the way we are raised, how we are socialized, and even our personalities. It’s okay to be aware of these things.

For example, your partner may be traditionally masculine and reserved. They may not be used to sharing how they are feeling or being expressive. You can be understanding of that, but also assertive in your need to feel as if you matter too. If you notice your partner leaning into the excuse that this is “just who they are“, remind them that appreciating what you do is not changing the essence of who their personality.

2 Things to Do While Realizing This Isn’t a Healthy Relationship

Not all relationships can be saved. That’s a tough thing to realize when you’ve put in a lot of effort, made future plans together, and have lingering affection for the other person. Sometimes, you have done all the talking you can do. It just becomes clear that your partner has no interest in making you a priority. That’s your sign that you should consider moving on.

1. Admit The Relationship Is Over

When does it make sense to cut your losses? The first sign is that they are dismissive and gaslighting. If they don’t care or invalidate you, then you can stop wondering if things will change. They won’t.

Another sign is that they apologize but never change their behavior. Often, you can interpret this as a desire to get you to stop expressing your needs without actually meeting them.

Their words change, but their behavior does not. Your partner pays lip service to appreciating you, but you don’t notice anything different. You are still low on their list of priorities.

2. Start Making Decisions for Your Emotional Well-Being

Your partner can’t or won’t make you a priority. They won’t integrate you into their life, spend quality time with you, or share their dreams. They’ve proven they don’t appreciate your contributions. At some point, you have to believe this is who they are. This is your sign to leave to protect your emotional and mental health.

Related reading: 12 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

Final Thoughts Before Leaving Safely

Most often, this relationship issue happens when people simply don’t share the same connections. They may not be ready for the commitment you’re looking for. It’s sad when things end this way, but sometimes there’s more to things than simply not being on the same page.

If the lack of respect, uneven expectations, and uncaring attitude are accompanied by behaviors that make you feel unsafe – please be careful. Don’t hesitate to seek out professional help if you see any sign that you may be in danger.