Survey: Do American Daters Expect Perfection?

What are your expectations in dating? Are you skipping all the meat eaters on the apps? Have you ended a first date over political differences? Or maybe you easily get the ick from little things, for example, getting too close to your personal space too soon, or even the emojis they use? And did this paragraph make you think about how many icks you might be giving potential dates?

Healthy standards and boundaries are important to maintain. You shouldn’t settle for less. You need to be on the same page about the important things if you want to have any sort of relationship or connection with a person. But on the flip side, can the increasingly polished and curated images on our screens make our expectations unachievable? Can searching for a partner mess with our self-confidence?

At Hily, all these questions have been bothering us. So we asked 3,000 Gen Z and Millennial  Americans about unrealistic dating expectations, how they deal with them and if they expect people they date to be perfect. Here’s what we found.

The Burden of Great Expectations

For many young Americans, their digital landscape is full of unattainable goals. Almost half—46% of women and 43% of men—say social media makes them feel like they need to be perfect.

It doesn’t really help to rationally know those expectations aren’t realistic. Yes, everyone’s aware that pictures on social media are often retouched and videos are staged. Yes, making every moment of one’s life into a consumable image is a full-time job. But our emotions aren’t always rational. When all you see on your screen every day are those effortlessly flawless, discreetly staged pics and vids, you may soon start feeling a little … inadequate.

The situation seems to be even sadder in the dating scene. More than half of the men and women we’ve surveyed say that unrealistic dating expectations are a source of pressure for them. Men seem to be a little more affected by the pressure compared to women, with 57% and 52% reporting that that was the case, respectively.

Even more alarmingly, for a whopping 62% of young Americans, their online dating life has led them to assume they aren’t perfect enough to be liked. This sentiment can easily grow into defeatism and make a person decide that dating is hopeless and not fun. You can’t build a new relationship when you feel like you aren’t worth it.

Of course, it’s natural to want to be liked. Whether you’re looking for a long-term partner to build your future with, a casual date to have fun or just seeing where that first date might take you, you need mutual comfort and attraction for a good relationship. But when you focus on constant comparison, it can easily hurt your self-respect.

Unrealistic Expectations Normalize Pretending 

With feelings of inadequacy being so common, it’s a given that some daters will try to seem “better” than they are in real life. Of course, anyone would expect an online dater to spend time polishing their dating profile. After all, what you have on the app is just a couple of seconds of a person‘s attention span. And you do want to make an impression!

But for some people, it goes further than just trying to best communicate their likes and opinions. For 28% of women and 38% of men surveyed, sugarcoating a dating profile is a normal thing to do for a better chance at that coveted match.

For some, even the idea of straight up lying on dating profiles is normal and expected. As many as 21% of women and 26% of men surveyed maintain that making things up on your dating profile is something typical in online dating. There’s a possibility that overly high expectations are creating an environment of dishonesty.

Under all that pressure to be the perfect match, many young Americans watch their words and hide their true opinions when they talk to the person they matched with. It might hurt to admit you believe in different things and hear the other person say it’s a dealbreaker. Around 1 in 3 people surveyed have agreed with something their match said just to be more likeable, even though in reality, they had different thoughts on the matter.

It seems like dating expectations could be making young Americans feel insecure. Online dating seems to be giving many a sense of inferiority and fueling negative self-talk. But is it really that bleak out there?

You Don’t Need to Be Perfect to Be a Good Date

In reality, a lot of that cultivated hopelessness may just be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Insecure daters may go on an app already waiting for the worst and pay way more attention to words that confirm their preconceptions as a result. But people often have high expectations of themselves while being kinder to others. The same appears true in dating on the apps.

In fact, when asked about their own expectations, 71% of women and 86% of men surveyed say minor flaws and imperfections are acceptable to them in people they like. It seems people are actually willing to compromise and aren’t as demanding in real life as social media may lead you to believe.

Even though young daters feel the pressure to hide or prettify their true selves, they seem to value genuine communication and connection. For 89% of young Americans, dating is only enjoyable when people are honest and show their true selves. It seems that in order to be excited for dating again, staying true to yourself is key. 

And most importantly, the vast majority seem to agree that you can never expect every dater to look and behave one specific way. There’s no one perfect partner that everyone will like. Of the people we surveyed, over 90% agreed that what makes a perfect match is different for everyone.

Ultimately, the best dating advice is probably this: be yourself and don’t give in to unreasonable dating expectations. Try not to listen to the little critical voice in your head, and communicate your energy openly. Respect yourself and your date: if you’re open to an honest conversation, the connection will evolve naturally. Even if it means you’re far from perfect (we all are), finding a person who likes you for you will be that much more rewarding.

Conclusion

Online daters seem to be under a lot of pressure to appear “perfect” because of social media and the expectations of dating culture in general. Many feel that they have too many flaws, which makes them unlikable. Faced with the pressure of expectations, some resort to making things up on their dating profiles or being dishonest about their opinions in chats. In general, a significant portion of the people surveyed expect pretending and prettifying to be a normal part of online dating.

In reality, however, most daters aren’t looking for a perfect person. The vast majority are okay with the imperfections of people they like and don’t expect their date to be flawless. For most people surveyed, dating can’t be enjoyable without honest communication and sincerity.