Survey: How Long Should You Chat Before a First Date?

Before sparks fly in person, modern dating starts with a ping. From witty banter to perfectly placed emojis, texting before a first date has become the newest version of courtship; part chemistry test, part patience challenge.

To learn more about how long daters like to chat before they meet a match, what keeps them texting back, and when casual convo becomes too much, Hily surveyed 1,600 Gen Z and Millennial Americans. Here’s what they had to say about striking the delicate balance of pre-date texting.

Key findings

• 49% of young American women prefer long chats before a first date, while 56% of men want to skip lengthy convos and meet right away
• 49% of young American women and 47% of men expect dating app replies instantly or within 15 minutes
• Most American Gen Z daters want their dating app match to follow them on social media after some chatting, while more than a third of Millennials don’t want matches to follow them at all

Timing the Text Game

Pacing makes all the difference: 32% of young women prefer to chat for more than a week before agreeing to meet, while 28% of men are ready after just a couple of days. Some want to build trust before taking things offline and meeting up in person; others think the only way to know if there’s chemistry is to talk IRL.

The split becomes even clearer when it comes to dating style. Almost half  (49%) of women prefer longer chats before a first date, while 56% of men want to skip the small talk and meet up right away. For women, chatting can be a way to gauge compatibility and safety; for men, momentum matters most.

When Chatting Becomes Draining

Texting might start with a spark, but too many messages can extinguish the flame, fast. In fact, 43% of men and 26% of women admit to feeling drained by endless chatting before meeting. When the conversation keeps looping—without a date getting planned—it’s easy for interest to fizzle out before the first hello.

Let’s be real, instant gratification is the new normal, but is it also shifting the standard of pre-date chatting? Nearly half of women (49%) and men (47%) expect replies instantly or within 15 minutes. The constant availability of online communication has set high expectations, and for some, a delayed reply feels like a lack of interest. 

Building Connection Before the First Date

Even with all the talk of burnout, longer chats still have their benefits. Of those surveyed, 86% of women and 76% of men say extended conversations help build trust before meeting. It’s all about finding the perfect balance; consistent texting creates a sense of familiarity and emotional safety, helping daters feel more at ease when they finally meet.

Ghosting isn’t just for the spooky season—62% of women and 49% of men admit they’ve ghosted someone who didn’t message enough. Lack of communication can come across as disinterest, and in the fast-moving world of app dating, silence speaks volumes. 

On the flip side, 30% of women and 17% of men say they’ve ghosted a match for messaging too much. Finding balance is key. Too few messages, and the spark fades before it has the chance to catch fire; too many and it feels like too much, too soon.

From Apps to Social Feeds

For many, shifting from the dating app to another platform marks a step toward trust. Gen Z daters typically move the chat to Instagram or a messenger app after just a few messages, while Millennials prefer to stay in the app longer. For younger daters, switching platforms feels natural—it’s a quick way to get a better sense of someone’s real life.

Today, social media is how we make first impressions. Most Gen Z daters want their match to follow them online after some chatting, while more than a third of Millennials prefer to set that boundary. For some, a follow means growing interest; for others, it’s too personal, and they may hold some reservations. The real question is: do you unfollow if it doesn’t work out, or keep an eye on their feed?

And when it comes to who follows first? Gen Z again leads the way. Most are quick to connect outside the app, while nearly half of Millennials prefer to keep things separate. It’s another reminder that dating, like communication, is evolving with each generation, and ultimately, it’s up to personal preference. 

Conclusion

Texting before a first date has become its own stage of modern romance. It’s where curiosity builds, interest grows and, sometimes, expectations clash.

Whether it’s a week of flirty messages or a quick chat before meeting for your first coffee date, daters today are redefining what connection looks like—balancing instant communication with authentic chemistry. Because no matter how good the conversation is, the real spark still happens face-to-face.

The methodology

Hily’s research team surveyed 1,600 Millennial and Gen Z Americans to explore how much texting is enough before a first date. 

About Hily

Hily (pronounced like ‘highly’) is a dating app designed to connect singles with new people while supporting them in remaining authentic. Short for “Hey, I Like You,” it invites users to have fun and not look for a perfect match.

By encouraging everyone to date as they are, Hily is breaking one of the biggest curses of online dating—feeling pressured to hide your true self. Praising self-exploration, self-acceptance, open-mindedness, and inclusivity, the app helps people put real connections first and keep competition at bay by unlocking their unique, fabulous selves. With features like icebreakers, compatibility checks, messaging, Major Crush, and zodiac synastry, Hily helps users express who they really are and connect in genuine ways.

Launched in 2017, Hily has become one of the top 10 dating apps in US app stores, with over 39 million users worldwide.