After a devastating relationship breakup, I threw myself into the dating scene by registering on Hily. I had over 100 dates - some absolute disasters, some pretty average, and some that were actually great. So many stories to tell and insights to share with you guys!
Table of contents
9 Things You Can’t Forgive in a Relationship
All people tend to make mistakes and regret them later in life; no one is perfect. While building a meaningful relationship, you and your partner will likely make wrong things – some of these mistakes will be easy to fix; others will be hard. But how do you know if they fall into the category of things you can’t forgive in a relationship?
Our answer is simple: check out the list of the following situations! If one happens in your life, consider this a serious problem for your relationship.
Do you want to experience a trouble-free love?
Get Hily dating app, set your relationship goals - and meet people who want exactly what you're looking for.
Install app
1. Physical Abuse
“When women repeatedly forgive abusers and give into demands, they teach the abuser that they are breaking down and releasing their own power. By the time the first beating occurs, the victim is so deeply embedded in the controlling relationship that it’s difficult to break free.”
Jennifer Kalita, a women’s advocate
First and foremost, you should never forgive someone who has hurt you physically. If your partner has hit, kicked, slapped, or punched you – you should leave an abuser and make yourself a promise never to get back. If they have done it once, they will do it again. And maybe next time, they will hit you harder, and you will end up in the hospital with a broken bone, internal bleeding, or something worse.
Shaking, hair pulling, burning, biting, suffocating, and scratching also count as abusive behaviors. You should never tolerate them, even if you believe that you are deeply in love with this person.
It’s difficult to leave an abuser, but you need to do it for your own sake. If you experience problems here, keep telling yourself that the abuse is not your fault. You have nothing to be blamed for because you do not deserve to get punched – you merit a healthy relationship with something else.
Related reading: Is it Normal for My Girlfriend to Hit Me?
2. Emotional Abuse
Probably, your partner has never hurt you in a physical way. But the words they say to you hurt way more than slaps and punches. If your partner does one of the following things, you are a victim of emotional abuse:
- Using harsh language,
- Yelling and screaming at you,
- Telling that you do it all wrong (for example, the breakfast you cooked is disgusting, and your sweater is ugly),
- Keeping saying that you are “not good enough,”
- Manipulating your decisions.
Victims of verbal abuse are even more vulnerable than those who are physically abused:
- They often don’t even understand that they are abused
- It’s even harder for them to prove they are victims and get adequate help
Just think of it: when you have a black eye, people will notice it and offer you some support; when your heart hurts because of insulting language, no one pays attention to that.
If you have kids and they see you fight with your spouse, your “forgiveness” only deepens their trauma. Walk away from the abuser for the sake of your kids’ well-being.
Related reading: Vulnerability in Relationships: How To Be More Open
3. Abuse of Children
Probably, they treat you just right. But when it comes to your children, they display abusive behavior. If this is the case for you, you must break up to protect your little ones.
Your children will never forgive you if you stay in this relationship. They feel unsafe and insecure and will likely lose trust in you. On top of that, they will likely end an abusive relationship once they grow up. You don’t want it to happen, do you?
Don’t give your spouse a second chance if abuse of a child has taken place. File a divorce as soon as possible to ensure that it will never happen again. Don’t try to save your marriage – save your child and ensure their well-being.
Abuser of children has no right to be forgiven. Your spouse should be punished for all the bad things they have done to your little ones.
4. Cheating
Have you caught your partner cheating? We have bad news for you: if cheating happens once, it is likely to happen again. Why? Because your partner puts their sexual desires first. They don’t care about you and your feelings.
Do you know what will happen if you stay in this relationship? One day, your friends and family will tell you they have seen them flirting with someone else. You will feel awkward and ashamed, and the circle of your suffering will start all over again.
So please, do yourself a favor – don’t listen to a cheater when they tell you they love you above all. They won’t hook up with others behind your back if it’s true.
In most cases, a cheater doesn’t deserve your immediate forgiveness. You can end this unhealthy relationship and find someone whom you can trust. If you are ready to move on, download a dating app – it’s your chance to find a soulmate who will love you and only you till the end of your life.
Related reading: Forgiving a Cheater – Can You Do It?
https://twitter.com/currentlycassie/status/1708959793493230001
5. Boundaries Violation
How to recognize if your boundaries are violated? Here are some clues:
- Have you set your own boundaries, but your partner doesn’t respect them?
- Do they keep inviting their friends and throwing parties at your small apartment even though you asked them not to do it?
- Do they call you while you are at work and intentionally interrupt an important meeting?
- Do they read your journal without your permission?
If you’ve said ‘Yes’ to any of these, you can consider such behavior disrespectful and unacceptable. If your partner keeps doing the things you don’t like, you shouldn’t forgive them.
“Often folks will believe that unless they sacrifice their boundaries for the needs of others, they won’t be liked, loved, or valued.”
Bryana Kappadakunnel, a marriage and family therapist
Never sacrifice your privacy and comfort – realize your current relationship is unhealthy and there is no place for forgiveness.
Related reading: Boundaries in Relationships – Keeping Them Healthy
6. Obsessive Control
An attempt to establish control over your thoughts and actions is one of the things you can’t forgive in a relationship.
Do they check your phone and use a tracking device on your car? Do they choose what you will wear for work and what you will eat at the restaurant? If so, you are dating a control freak.
Many women end in toxic relationships with someone who wants to control every small aspect of their lives. The longer they stay in the relationship, the worse the situation gets. Their independence gets lost at some point: they can’t do things like hanging out with other girls and seeing their family without permission.
Being loving partners, you need to focus on taking care of each other rather than controlling each other.
Whenever a person forces you to do something you don’t want to do, it’s a red flag. If it happens for the first time, you can try to talk honestly about it and resolve the issue. If the controlling tendency continues, the person can’t be forgiven.
Related reading: 11 Warning Signs of a Controlling Boyfriend and Why They Are Not OK
7. Unreasonable Jealousy
Jealousy can be a part of a healthy relationship or a sign of a toxic relationship. If your partner got jealous because you were drunk and openly flirting with a bartender, it’s one thing. But if they get jealous daily for no apparent reason, it’s a sign that something is wrong in your relationship.
Low self-esteem is one of the main reasons for unreasonable jealousy. If your partner can’t get over an inferiority complex, you are unlikely to be able to help them.
If your partner can’t get over their obsessive jealous feelings, it’s the worst thing. They will make you feel extremely comfortable in multiple ways:
- Get emotional every time you talk to someone,
- Be jealous of your past relationship,
- Get mad every time you wear sexy outfits,
- Accuse you of infidelity and make your reality unbearable.
You don’t want to be blamed for something you have never done, do you? Or feel bad about chatting with your college friend and wearing a little black dress. Therefore, there is no reason to maintain a relationship with a pathologically jealousy person.
Related reading: What Is Retroactive Jealousy and How to Overcome It
8. Pathological Lying
Constant lying is one of those things you can’t forgive in a relationship. No matter how much you love this person, this relationship will not work in the long run if they are hiding important information from you on a regular basis.
Committed relationships, marriage in particular, are always based on mutual trust and respect. Building a healthy relationship with someone who lies about big and small things is impossible. If your partner lies to you about where they have been and what they have done, and you know they are lying, you will never become a happy family.
Related reading: Psychology Behind Cheating and Lying
9. Financial Infidelity
Unfortunately, financial infidelity is as common as cheating. One research shows that 30% of couples faced this problem at some point in their relationship.
Secret purchases (big and small), enormous hidden debts, and dishonesty about income – it all counts as a financial betrayal. If your partner doesn’t answer your questions about money (and debts), you have already reached a point at which you can’t trust this person.
How can a person forgive someone who spends common funds on gambling? How can you build a long-term relationship with someone who used to earn money from unreputable sources in the past? It’s up to you to decide, but consider taking all the risks and responsibilities of your decision.
Financial infidelity can be a severe deal breaker in a relationship. If they are used to betray people in finance, there are no ethical constraints to do the same in romance.
Related reading: ENM Relationship: What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy?
8 Things to Consider Before You Decide to Forgive
Do you still love your partner with all your heart and are ready to forgive them for all their sins? Stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and think again – will it be worth it?
Here are a few important questions you should ask yourself before you make a final decision: to forgive or not:
- What makes you believe that they are the right person for you?
- Do you have a deep emotional connection? Is this connection healthy or abusive?
- Do they want to spend time with you? Do they value your relationship?
- Do they fear losing you, or is it not a big deal for them?
- What was the reason for the lie they told you? Are there logical explanations for their wrongdoings? Or was there ill intent behind their actions?
- Do they understand that they have almost lost you? Do they put effort into winning you back?
- If you constantly blame yourself for your relationship problems, are there any solid reasons and rational ways to fix them?
- Can you solve some of your problems by talking more about each other sentiments?
If you truly believe you are meant to be together, and your sixth sense tells you you should give them one more chance, you can go for it. But once again, we want to remind you that there are some things you should never forgive in a relationship. So make sure you’ve thought twice and made everything possible to avoid repeating the same mistake.
Start your happy romance on Hily
Hily is the place where love stories and rewarding friendships start. Check it out and see by yourself!
Get Hily
Wrapping Up: Forgiveness and Self-Respect
Most people forgive their partners not because they genuinely believe they will change but because they don’t want to be lonely again. They think something is wrong with them, so they attract abusers, cheaters, and financial fraudsters. But the truth is that you shouldn’t be afraid to start over your search for a perfect partner – your true love is right around the corner.
Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave, but it doesn’t mean you should forgive everyone for everything. If you are stuck in a relationship with someone who lies to you, cheats on you, or does other bad things, you should never forgive it. Make it a rule to put yourself first, no matter what.
End a toxic relationship and start a new chapter of your life. Today is the right moment for it.
Shelly Standford
